By: Charlene Aviles, Staff Writer

After The Peak staff had an aggressive debate regarding pineapple on pizza, we sent a reporter to investigate the topic. They approached several students at SFU Surrey’s Mezzanine. We hope with these interviews The Peak will settle this age old debate — and protect the sanctity of our pizza parties — once and for all.

Does pineapple belong on pizza?

Criminology:

If I remember correctly, somewhere in section four of the Canadian Criminal Code, it states pineapple on pizza is technically a criminal offense. The minimum punishment for this crime is making another pizza from scratch. Now, whether pineapple belongs on pizza is a whole other question. Pineapple has the right to legal representation and a fair trial just as much as any other pizza topping. But if you ask me, the current state of pineapple pizza reform is abysmal. People just pick pineapples off as if they mean nothing and don’t give them a fighting chance to lead a fruitful life. Progressive change needs to take place in the current group order/sharing system.

Computer Science:

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English:

Of course it doesn’t belong on physical pizza. People rarely appreciate the artistic merit of pizza restaurant menus anymore. Pineapple on pizza was meant to be an allegory for the disjointed flavours of society and the polarization that is occuring in our modern world. Pineapple represents the sweetened innocence of youth and the optimistic desire for change. This juxtaposed against the aged and melting cheese of older, traditional generations is fascinating. It forces us to question whether these two flavours can find harmonious balance or if we are doomed to a society of constant opposition. It’s actually quite riveting stuff! 

Business:

Yes, as long as it’s not fresh, imported pineapple that absolutely destroys your cost-benefit ratio — and not in a good way, dude. Also, if a customer wants pineapple on their pizza, they’ll have to pay an extra $5 per order. Life is all about maximizing production efficiency and minimizing consumer surplus, bro. Go big or go home!

Visual Art:

Yellow on yellow? That’s appalling. You would need to complement the pizza with purples. An intermediate colour wheel could work too I guess — if you’re feeling adventurous. But you’d need to add blues, greens, and oranges to the pizza. Hmmm, yea. That would actually make for a really nice pizza scheme. A pineapple, grape, blueberry, celery, pumpkin pizza — beautiful!

Kinesiology:

Pineapple absolutely belongs on pizza! Eating natural sugars can help you maintain a balanced and healthy diet. But it’s not enough to have plain pineapple! We need to take it up a notch by sprinkling protein powder on top of the pineapples. This way, we can have a cheeky little cheat day with pizza but still work towards that New Year’s resolution goal! 

Math:

I don’t know.*

*When approached by our reporter, the math major seemed to be in a state of extreme stress and confusion. A state which quickly descended into intermittent mutterings about Ramsey’s Theorem, imaginary units, and complex numbers. When asked their opinion on whether pineapple belongs on pizza, the student began repeating the words “I don’t know.” Staff at The Peak are unsure if this answer was related to the pineapple on pizza debate or their homework. 

Philosophy:

Does anything really belong? Personally, I subscribe to the Cartesian a posteriori tradition — if I can imagine pineapple on pizza, then pineapple on pizza necessarily exists and therefore must belong on pizza. But what is a pizza when you think about it? Maybe we shouldn’t be concerning ourselves with the trivial details of life like pizza and instead work to understand the root of the debate — “What is?” How could you be sure that’s even a pizza?