Abbas Kiarostami: You have a deep appreciation for the mundane and the small beauties of life. Unfortunately you are also deeply melancholic. I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time — maybe you need to watch something other than Taste of Cherry to cheer you up.
Hirokazu Kore-eda: You have significant family trauma and you have the urge to vicariously live through Kore-eda’s filmography. The emotional pain of watching his films on a loop gives you catharsis while you’re still looking for that found family.
Greta Gerwig: Are you a white feminist? I promise you there are more films about the experience of being a woman than Barbie and Lady Bird. May I direct you towards Kinuyo Tanaka’s filmography?
Christopher Nolan: You need to branch out and watch more movies. I’m sorry, but having a non-linear plot and everything composed by Hans Zimmer does not make a masterpiece. If you’re looking for suggestions, start with Park Chan-Wook’s The Handmaiden — now that’s a non-linear king.
Hayao Miyazaki: Your nervous system is deeply unregulated which is why you always turn to the classic, slow-paced wonders of Miyazaki. You deeply relate to Kiki’s Delivery Service because of its exploration of burnout, and that should be a lesson you take to heart!
Hong Sang-soo: You are very, very socially awkward. However, that’s not the real problem. Just like his pretentious self-insert characters, you believe you are entitled to love, but spend little time considering other people’s emotions.
Ousmane Sembène: You have a deep sense of purpose and originality. Just like a real film lover, you’re aware that Europe is not the centre.
Steven Spielberg: You think film is primarily for entertainment. There’s nothing wrong with that, you’re just a straightforward person.
Wong Kar-wai: You think you can cure loneliness by travelling to neon-lit cities. Alas, that is not the case. Didn’t you learn anything from Happy Together?
Alice Wu: You are gay with a great sense of humour! Honestly, you’re probably more chill than the rest of the people on this list.
