By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer
It’s been the topic of your dreams, daydreams, and occasionally your nightmares, but it’s fine because fear is an aphrodisiac: what will your first love affair in a post-pandemic world be like? As vaccine rollouts continue and people slowly learn not to take off their mask when sneezing, you’ll soon be able to hit a frat boy’s Juul with only the risk of getting mono. By analyzing your fatal flaw, your last sexual experience, and more, we will determine exactly what your first post-COVID romance will be.
Question 1: If you were a vampire, what kind of vampire would you be?
A. Thousand-year-old genius stuck in the body of a petulant eight-year-old
B. I would wear only black and live in a castle: sexy, but utterly lonely
C. Edward Cullen, probably
Question 2: Which of these lyrics do you most resonate with?
A. “I’m a socialist, Marxist, libertarian slut” – “Feel Better” by Penelope Scott
B. “I’m so 3008, you’re so 2000-and-late” – “Boom Boom Pow” by Black Eyed Peas
C. “Pockets on Shrek, rockets on deck. Tell me what’s next? Alien sex” – “E.T. Remix” by Katy Perry and Kanye West
Question 3: What best describes your last sexual experience?
A. Like Danny Devito. Short, but memorable
B. “Netflix and Chill” while watching Pulp Fiction with a film bro, but he only came when I started talking about how the briefcase symbolizes Wallace’s soul
C. Wait, you guys are having sex?
Question 4: If you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be?
A. An infinity symbol, because life is an endless cycle and soon I will be reincarnated as a snail whose shell gets pulled off by a snotty third grader, which is probably better than the life I’m living now
B. A lyric from my favourite emo song that I will certainly regret within five years
C. A strikingly realistic image of the SFU avocado
Question 5: What is your default action when you don’t have to put your camera on in lecture?
A. Shove fistfuls of popcorn into my mouth with the determination of Kirby swallowing his enemies
B. Plucking a single eyebrow hair every time someone plays the devil’s advocate. I’m in a poli sci class and currently have three strands left
C. Look at my report card in the fourth grade where Ms. Harmon called me a “pleasure to have in class” and weep at what I’ve become
Question 6: What is your fatal flaw?
A. I have about two brain cells, but I lent both of them out. Rebecca, if you’re reading this, I need those and my worm-on-a-string costume back
B. The fact that I am still attending SFU despite tuition being raised, not getting the classes I wanted, and Joy Johnson personally spitting in my mouth and calling me a whore
C. This is really hard for me to admit, but . . . my fatal flaw is that I have a fat ass
Question 7: What tarot card do you resonate with most?
A. The Hermit. I am simply an old lonely little man. Please do not perceive me
B. The Devil. The only reason I watch reality TV is to see people more miserable than I am
C. The Moon. I too am mysterious, sexy, and prone to obsessive tendencies
Question 8: If you were a cartoon character, what would be your default outfit?
A. Cat ears and a maid outfit. I’m not saying I’d call Spongebob master, but I’m also not not saying that
B. A long black robe with lace sleeves so I can pretend to be a widow pretending to grieve my partner that I killed instead of the sad university student living on caffeine and tears
C. I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin.
If you chose mostly As . . .
You know what you want in life, buddy, and if there was no pandemic, you probably would have taken over the world (or at least a small country by now). Your first post-COVID love affair will be with someone who can temper your absolute dismissal of the powers that be: an engineering student from UBC. The bridges they build will have more integrity than they do. Have fun!
If you chose mostly Bs . . .
Your first post-COVID infatuation will be ripped right out of your mother’s favourite erotica. As you soak in the tub after a long day of classes, you’ll hear the window of your bedroom creak open. Fearful, yet curious, you’ll wrap yourself in your floral Victoria’s Secret robe and tread carefully into your room, only to find a man dressed in black climbing through your window. “Who are you?!” You’ll gasp. The man will look up at the sound of your voice, and you’ll be immediately disarmed by his chiselled jaw and piercing eyes. “It doesn’t matter who I am,” he’ll say, his voice like liquid nitrogen, his eyes seeming to devour your body. “I want to know all about you.” He’ll walk towards you as you shake with fear — no, anticipation — and … I’ll let you take it from there.
If you chose mostly Cs . . .
The only love you’re deserving of is the one that you’ve held onto all pandemic: bubble tea. There’s something about your prolonged eye contact with the cashier, the graceful way you stab the straw into the lid and it slides right through, those delicious balls coursing their way down your throat and settling like unused insulin in your pancreas . . . who needs human affection? Who needs a soulmate? Certainly not you (you say between sobs and sips).