By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor
- A ~casual~ get ᶜᴼⱽᴵᴰ together
The world is a stressful time right now and the idea of being scrutinized for partying frankly has me all wound up. I think what everyone in the world needs right now is something a little . . . ~casual~. Like a nice ~casual~ get together. We could do fun ~casual~ things, like ~casually~ spilling hot (but ~casual~) gossip about the things we’ve done in our houses the last seven months. Or perhaps a nice ~casual~ game of beer pong to get the energy up (but not too up, because ~casual~) and really have people feel together. But the one thing we’re for sure going to do is ~casually~ get COVID together. Fun, right?
Admit it, this is an excuse we’ve all used in the past. Pulling the ol’ “yeah, I’m going to study” and then ending up blackout drunk at 3 a.m. in a field an hour and a half out of town. So why not use it in this context? Just say you’re going over to your friend Brian’s for a little socially distanced, masked-up outdoor study sesh. I mean, you’re already lying about the studying part, might as well really compromise your parents’ trust in you and lie again. Maybe along the way, you can study up on not being a piece of shit kid when your parents catch you putting them at risk.
3. A Zoom call (but, like, in real life)
Bro, just imagine this: you know how like, people’ve been doing those Zoom calls? And like, you get a bunch of people together, and you hangout and talk? But like, you do it through your screens and shit? On Zoom? What if we like, did that . . . but in real life? Like, what if we just vibed and did the shit we do on Zoom . . . but in person? It would be, like, instead of just watching each other drink alone, we’d be drinking alone, except, together. Pretty sick, right? Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet?
4. The Mask-erade Ball
Hear-ye! Hear-ye! You are cordially invited to this year’s charity Mask-erade Ball! Patrons of said event shall be dressed to the nines for an evening of sharing appetizers, cocktails, and grandiose music. Saturday, November 14, 2020 at 8 p.m., my living room. All proceeds will go to the host to pay for their medical bills following the event. Please come dressed for the occasion. Oh, and masks are encouraged, not enforced.
5. A celebrity party
You might be wondering: wait, the word party is in this one, won’t that give the party away? My dear reader, you must pay attention to the word that comes before it: celebrity. If you haven’t noticed, celebrities everywhere are still out there partying the night away, indoors and not six-feet apart — just for the sake of PR. So why not just throw a little shindig together and advertise it as a celebrity-only event? If anyone tries to give you flack, throw your made-up privilege in their face and they’ll have no choice but to back down. Just remember to apologize on a Notes app a few days after and then presume your irresponsible partying ways. What are they gonna do, cancel you?
6. Prayer Circle
Come, all ye faithful, gather ‘round for a Prayer Circle. This innocent-appearing soiree is the perfect cover for your absolute rager. Who would suspect anything from the devout? People who pray? Lying? Of course not! And plus, it’s called a Prayer Circle; no one will be questioning what you’re on your knees for if you get caught. Whether it’s giving the closeted Catholic jock a sloppy toppy or praying away this pandemic, no one will really know but you . . . and closeted Catholic jock Jacob, I suppose.
7. “What? These 35 people are totally in my bubble. We’re following the rules”
Still want to party but not creative enough to come up with a clever disguise? Just plead ignorance! Who needs to be smart during these times when you can be clever? Someone berates you for having people over? Just say that they’re all your roommates! People call you out for ignoring Dr. Bonnie Henry? Claim you don’t know who that is! COVID-19? Never heard of her! This guise should be easy for you, since acting like an idiot isn’t really acting for some.
8. A high school reunion
Is it your 10th annual? 1.37th annual? Who cares! Whether you’re somehow still surrounded by your high school friends or merely stalking social media to see which ones developed poor political opinions after high school, posing a party as a high school reunion will be sure to take attention away from your carelessness. Much like a regular high school reunion, you’re free to lie your way towards getting people to remember you — you can lie about the dozens of men pining over photos of you that definitely aren’t your hotter friend, David. Just remember to tell David not to show up, because unlike the basketball player who’d hook up with you in secret and flirts with you incessantly at the reunion, your cover will be blown.
9. Playing the Bubble Bowl
Everyone is preaching about “staying in your bubbles” and other bubble-esque things. Why not pull inspo from the most iconic bubble there is: the Bubble Bowl, featured in the episode “Band Geeks” from Spongebob Squarepants? In the episode, Squidward gets a bunch of clueless aquatic critters together to play the Bubble Bowl to impress his rival, and they somehow succeed. Why not follow suit? Get your 25 stupidest friends together to play the Bubble Bowl and flex on your rival — in other words, party in your one-bedroom apartment while you send petty Snaps to the person who ghosted you a few months ago. When they see how successful you are, you’ll have one “Sweet Victory.”
10. Whatever the fuck anyone who was on Granville St. on Halloween wants to call what they were doing
Y’all see that bullshit where hundreds of people were just perusing Granville St. with no consequence? What the fuck was that? You’re telling me you twinks in your harnesses and animal ears, you frat boys not even in costume going out just to prowl on women, and you social media slaves following in Kylie Jenner’s footsteps likely exposed yourself and others because you’re too dependent on social media validity? If you were downtown on Halloween in one of these crowds and you’re reading this, please tell me what you’d like to call what you were doing on Halloween. As a comedy writer, I’m at a loss on what to call this besides stupidity. Frankly, I’m surprised you’re reading this at all since I’m not positive any of you know how to read.