Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Your superiority complex is in full blossom. And you need to manifest it. Irritate your sketchiest, most unstable friend until they lop off your head and impale it on a stick, Lord of the Flies style, looming from the height of SFU’s tallest tower. The entire campus will bear witness to your glory, and you’ll ascend to the blazing throne Satan abdicated when he started sitting in on SFU history seminars.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
September’s ending, you morally besieged belugas. Green Day can’t protect you anymore. Wake up.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You’ll get lost this week. Google Maps will try to direct you to your destination, so that you don’t find yourself at an active crackhouse like Sunshine Corazon from season 2 of Glee. Don’t listen, though. Like Kanye would say, this is just another fear tactic used to manipulate your free thought.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
People are going to misinterpret your intentions a lot this week. Congratulations: you’ve finally succeeded as a compulsive liar.
Leo — July 23–August 22
You’re mildly insecure this week. Doesn’t that shock you? You think your classroom crush might want a quieter, more reserved bae. Prove to SFU how silent and thirstworthy you can really be. Before their fantasy-sparking eyes, strip down to your socks, “Blow Us All Away” style, and douse yourself in cups of boiling French vanilla from Simon C. The scalding of your newly honeyed supermodel flesh will keep you too distracted to talk.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Haters are your motivators. But you don’t have any haters at SFU right now. If you really want to secure the bag, you’ll need to reconnect with your friend’s ex and tell them the real reason they were dumped. The motivation you get outta that will be piping hot.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Sorry . . . you don’t get a horoscope this week. The stars don’t commune with cold-blooded lizards.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
Your friends think you’re being jealous and possessive. But I’m sorry to tell you that you’re actually just being possessed. Since it’s far too late for you to enrol in ENGL 383 and ask Buffy the Vampire Slayer for assistance, you have one other option. Craft yourself an amulet out of soil from the Burnaby Mountain woods and stem cells “borrowed” from one of SFU’s biology labs.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Wanderlust and dissatisfaction lurks in your bone marrow this week. Infiltrate another local post-secondary institution and pretend to be a student there. Maybe there’s someone there who can love and understand you, someone who has the benefit of not knowing your real self.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
The truth is everywhere you look this week. No one’s facades are safe. For your karma’s sake, babe, use your powers for good. Call a bitch out when the student clogging up the library computers plays it like they’re not just wasting time using the keyboard as a coaster.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Dress how you like this week. Even if that means scandalizing your profs with your perfect replica of Lady Gaga’s 2010 meat dress. Don’t let educational class gateways win.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Your obsession with “________ Reads Thirst Tweets” videos on YouTube either has hit or will hit its climax this week. But are you projecting onto the hot celeb reading the tweets or onto the innumerable fans who’ve been writing the mildly petrifying missives? Spend your next lecture reflecting on that antinomy.