Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
This week you’ll be tested emotionally. You’ll meet your professors and know instantly that they all bluffed their way through grad school. Trust your gut instincts. Just set fire to their lecture halls. You won’t go to jail for arson, because SFU Security will ignore the loud, loud alarm, thinking it’s another fire drill.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
There’s no point in writing you a horoscope. Thanks to your severe emotional inertia, nothing I could possibly tell you will change your stubborn, unproductive behaviour. Just skip ahead to planting yourself within the earth of the Student Union Building construction site. Good things come to those who wait. Like asphyxiation.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You’re hated by all. Have been since 2015. So drop out of SFU, buy a fake passport, and fly your ass to Vanuatu. You won’t have a degree. But what you will have is 276,000 fresh people to confuse using your two dreamy personalities: McLovin’ and McCut-A-Bitch. It’s called self-care.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You messed up this week. No need to tell you what you did wrong. Your inner parking security officers — ahem, demons — are doing it for me. Just accept that you don’t deserve the forgiveness or salvation you so crave, and that the only appropriate atonement is for you to leave your soon-to-come rough case of pubic lice untreated.
Leo — July 23–August 22
You’ll be the hottest one at The Study this week. And you won’t even be at The Study. But focus on friends this week. Breeze through SFU’s three campuses and collect a perfect squad of “besties.” Choose these hapless worshippers based on how well they obscure and offset your sunny borderline sociopathy.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Everyone wants your advice this week. Give it to them. Tell Lincoln that running a depressing memes page online is 100% a personality. Tell Marina that skipping all her tutorials will prove to the TA that she’s independent and clearly too well-read to need review. Tell Hester that she can get her friends to spend time with her again by manipulating them all into dumping their partners.
Libra — September 23–October 22
This week, remind a classmate that they matter to you. Then, balance the scales by reminding a different classmate that they mean nothing to you. Now that you feel like a total bitch, escape your current sadistic identity by redesigning your bedroom with more succulents in mind. (I say “now” . . . but you won’t get around to self-reinvention until Sunday.)
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You’ll be late a lot this week. Don’t answer your favourite TA’s concerned questions about “what’s gotten into you this semester,” though. Just smile sadly, hold up your iPhone, and play for the class i think you think too much of me by EDEN. The album will last the whole hour, even if your teacher’s patience doesn’t.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Your friends? Dramatic little hoes this week. Don’t hold a grudge. They’re trying. But they’re also trying your patience. So be diplomatic here. Identify the problem person and expose their embarrassing Taiwanese Chicken Nugget feeding fetish to the rest of your friends. Sacrifice the evil to save the squad. Then you can all ride to The Pint together with no regrets.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
The student body doesn’t hate you this week, nor do you hate yourself. Shit. But you can fix that in two easy steps. First, be a diligent student and strategically highlight your course readings. Then, tell all your friends about your strategic highlighting. It’s like telling all your friends about your strategic voting in the federal elections, except even more insufferable.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
You’ll be really tempted to stave off SFU’s obvious aura of loneliness and loserdom by starting a cult. You’d do amazing at it, babe — but don’t do it. It sounds all fun and fraternal de jure, but de facto, the SFSS is never going to get your cult’s room booking right.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
You have so many different personal fantasies on the go that you really don’t have a sense of identity or self-awareness anymore. And I can’t help you with that. So go back and read the horoscopes I wrote for everyone else. Soak in those sloppy seconds, like you always do. You’ll identify with all 11 horoscopes, confusing you further. But at least you’ll have something nice, for once.