Golden advice from the trash

Nightly wisdom from SFU’s most respected raccoon

Illustration curtesy of Alice Zhang

Written by: Ana Staskevich, Staff Writer
Illustrated by: Alice Zhang 

Have your own problems or crises that you want to get a second perspective on? Get in touch with SFU’s distinguished advisor raccoon, reachable by email at trashpandatalks@feralmail.com.

I am SO annoyed! I can’t study ANYWHERE because of the construction on campus. No places are safe from the chaos, not even the library! Where can I possibly go to prepare for my exams?

 

  • About To Drop Out

 

Dear About To Drop Out,

Solve your anger by embracing your animalistic instinct and burrowing in any available dumpster or trash can on campus. The sticky, smelly garbage really adds to the allure of your new peaceful environment where it’s too dark to even study. A perfect place to nap, and you can have a snack right after!

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME! i found out yesterday that my boyfriend of TWO YEARS has been CHEATING ON ME!!! i am absolutely heartbroken!!!! We did EVERYTHING together, we even watched Game of Thrones on Sundays. My life is meaningless without him …. how do i bounce back?????

 

  • Betrayal Worse Than Season 8

 

Dear Betrayal Worse Than Season 8,

When I say I like trash, your boyfriend is NOT what comes to mind. What really helps me get over heartbreak, like when I can’t get a lid open on a garbage can, is finding new friends and trying out new things! Why don’t you get to know the neighbourhood cats?  Get out of your comfort zone, go experiment! Maybe you’ll acquire a taste for Friskies like I did!

I have social anxiety and it has gotten worse since I started university. I find it really hard to talk to people, and it seems that if I become friends with someone in class, they stop talking to me after the semester ends. Is there any way I can build my social skills? 🙁

 

  • Lonely and Afraid

 

Dear Lonely and Afraid,

Interacting with people is very scary. Personally, I realized right away that people don’t like seeing me all the time; it’s as if I have rabies or something. I recommend that you resort to meeting people at night! What I like to do to meet new people is go through others’ trash in their backyards, preferably between 12 and 3 a.m., and make as much noise as possible. The results are instantaneous! You’ll even be able to play a quick game of tag-with-a-broom; it’s one of my favourites.

I have recently started seeing an overflow of leftover food and garbage in public spaces on campus. . . Students have become completely irresponsible! (╯°□°) I think we need to do something about it, like promote environment cleanliness or start volunteering to clean up the garbage left behind. pls advise! ಠ╭╮ಠ

 

  • Clear the Clutter

 

Dear Clear the Clutter,

THINK before you SPEAK. What if there are people who could use that trash, huh?! Maybe it’s the only good thing they have going on in their life, and you are trying to take it away like a monster! Don’t you know how nutritious garbage is for you? That it’s a DELICACY?! Do your RESEARCH before you come spouting this nonsense in my column! “Clear the Clutter”. . . more like Cleanse your Palate!

 

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