Written by: Michelle Gomez

If you’re nearing the end of your first or second year and still have no idea what to major in because you aren’t smart enough for sciences and you hate every arts subject you’ve tried so far, then communication is the major for you!

Here is the makeup of students in your classes:

• 30%: communication majors who failed out of SIAT.
• 30%: students who decided to throw a communication minor onto their degree after finding out that the minor program is only six courses.
• 20%: students in need of an easy elective outside of their major.
• 15%: student athletes who are in communication because they had to pick a major in order to play in a university league.
• 2%: people who are actually interested in the discipline of communication and will probably go on to complete a master’s.
• 3%: you have no idea because they only showed up to the first class and one other time to hand in an essay.

The good:

• You will be able to scrape a solid B in almost all of your courses without doing any readings.
• Although you will have no applicable life skills, you will develop the ability to bullshit essays really well.
• Communication is so vague that you can probably talk your way into pretty much any job that requires an arts degree.
• You will have amazing professors.

The bad:

• At some point, you will be forced to actually read Marshall McLuhan (instead of just reading about him — which you will be doing a lot too) and this will cause you to forget everything you’ve ever learned about academic writing.
• You will go through a phase where you become extremely paranoid that the government is watching your every move, and as a result, you will tape your laptop webcam and only send messages to people via BBM.
• Prepare to feel attacked when people ask what job you can get with a communication degree, or what communication actually is, and everytime you are asked if you learn how to talk to people.
• You will have very strange TAs (they were the 2% in your class mentioned above that went on to pursue a graduate degree in a subject that will never get them a job — other than being a communications TA).

Pro Tips:

• Reserve the entire last month of the semester for writing papers. For the other three months of each semester, you will literally have no work to do and are free.
• Enroll in at least six communication courses each semester because at least two will be cancelled the day before classes start “due to unforeseen circumstances.”
• If you had a dollar for every time your CMNS 110 prof says the word “network,” you would be able to pay off your student loans.