Exclusive interview with long-dead SFU dungeoneer

Illustrated by Marissa Ouyang

Written by: Alex Bloom

Sandra Swiftfoot is a third-year wizarding student with a minor in roguishness. She died exploring the labyrinthine corridors of SFU over 10 years ago. Thanks to the recent removal of the campus ban on necromancy, The Peak was able to raise Swiftfoot from the dead for an interview.

After some initial whining about being turned into The Peak’s zombie thrall, Swiftfoot agreed to talk to us about her findings.

“I heard a rumour going around that SFU was originally constructed as a prison for evil wizards,” Swiftfoot related. “Bored by the ramblings of my Lawful Good professors and their tired old refrains of ‘never use magic as a weapon,’ or ‘whatever you do, never go into the haunted crypts underneath the school’ I decided to skip my dungeoneering class and head off for a little spelunking of my own. I’m more of a hands-on learner anyway, and I wanted to find out if the rumours were true.”

According to Swiftfoot, she then gained access to the crypts under SFU through a tunnel near the still-unfinished husk of the SUB called “the undergrounds.”

“Once inside, I fought my way past several animated skeletons, a colony of living mould, and a golem made out of solid gold — a forgotten pet of the student society, created as a means of demonstrating their power to spend student dollars however they please.” Swiftfoot then used a Detect Evil spell to guide her towards what she hoped was a prison full of “badass wizards.” What she found next was chilling.

“I had just finished rummaging through the pockets of a deceased first year who foolishly triggered a spike trap, when I found a series of strange markings on the wall. I only found one gold piece, but the markings led me to a doorway with runes inscribed above it.” After using a Decipher Script spell, Sandra saw that the runes spelled out “SUB.”

Inside, she found a fully furnished student union building, complete with a naproom and vending machines full of beer. “Beside a dusty floor-to-ceiling portrait of Archmage Arthur Erickson, I found a note ordering the immediate shutdown of the SUB and the creation of a new one on top of the site.” According to Swiftfoot, the note was dated as being issued in 1990, with the reasons for the closure cited as “inappropriate use of the naproom, binge drinking, and a minor goblin infestation.”

 

The note also touted the closure as “ . . . an opportunity to build a new SUB, which could take years, provide jobs, and give student politicians the illusion that they’re actually getting something done.”

When asked why she didn’t report her findings immediately, Swiftfoot said “I died, remember? Just before I left, I reached for one of the beers in the vending machine — which was still ice cold, I might add — setting off a poison dart trap which struck me in the leg.” Swiftfoot almost made it out, but eventually succumbed to the poison. Thankfully, her body was recently found by a group of archeology students.

As the interview wrapped up, she stated to The Peak, “Oh yeah, and I also accidentally let out a centuries-old lich who was trapped down there. He said something about ‘engaging the world,’ you might want to look into that too.”

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