New SFU classroom policies

Illustrated by Cora Fu

By: Tiffany Chang

Having to say an oath before starting class: Yup. You read those words right. As of next week, students must pledge allegiance to SFU at the beginning of each class. It’s kind of like the Lord’s prayer. This is done by standing up, putting your hand over your heart, then saying the following  in unison with the other students.

“We are forever indebted to SFU and its faculty members, we will always be happy with the noisy construction around campus, and after I graduate, I shall always look back and remember SFU as fondly as I possibly can. SFU FOREVER!”

Getting rid of windows: We all agree that the Burnaby Campus looks like a maximum security prison. “How is it possible for it to look even more like one?” you might ask. To give an honest, direct answer, picture this: every single window from classrooms on all campuses . . . gone. Zilch. Nada. No more looking outside to daydream while the TA is droning on and on about the week’s readings; no more using the windows as an escape plan. Our contact with the outside world while in class will be eliminated. This is perhaps one of the most devastating changes SFU will ever make. Be sure to bring tissues just in case you start crying in class. In fact, bring extra, in case someone forgets and their snot starts dripping onto their laptop or binders.

Replacing chairs and desks with giant carpets: Awwww. Doesn’t this bring back memories? Remember when we used to sit down on a carpet in kindergarten to listen to our teacher read stories? Well, SFU is about to have us do just that! They’re going to be scrapping the desks and chairs, only to replace them with the same carpets elementary schools use! Students will be sitting on the floor, hunched over while taking notes. People say they can see a million different things that are wrong with the idea. I don’t see any of them.

Painting the walls pitch black: The walls will no longer be white. This is absolutely perfect for those of you who are claustrophobic. Now, the rooms are going to seem smaller than they actually are! It’ll feel like a black hole sucking the life out of us. Now, people have yet another reason to skip class. Hooray for SFU!

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