By: Gene Cole, Hannah Davis, and Malcolm MacRitchie
Fireball straight out of the mickey
Mixed Berry Dole juice to chase
Fireball was invented by someone who said, “Alcohol does not burn enough, so let’s make it burn some more. Also, let’s ask Satan what his armpit sweat tastes like, and maybe we can work that flavour in somehow.” The best way to enjoy Fireball is straight from the BPA-ridden plastic mickey, and chased with a healthy swig of Dollarama Mixed Berry Dole juice, which tries its hardest to erase the shitty Valentine’s Day cinnamon heart candy taste on your tongue. After drinking this, the only person you will be talking to is the dog, Michael Scarn, to whom you will divulge all your secrets.
Verdict: You have never let someone into your life like you let Michael Scarn into your life.
– HD & MM
New Years Scheme
White hot chocolate – Full cup, purchased from a coffee shop
Cinnamon powder – Four large spoonfulls
Cheap vodka – To taste
Have you ever been on your way to a party to drink, but felt a need to get started on the bus ride over? Do you want to be brave and try drinking in public like the lawbreaker you are? This drink has everything you need; sugar to start your night off childishly, and a drink so weak that the police would more likely just laugh rather than convict you.
Simply purchase the hot chocolate and stir in cinnamon until you get a wonderful dessert. Then, bring the drink and your stir-stick into the bathroom to shamefully pour in vodka. Once you feel a slight kick, you are free to roam the streets as you pretend you’re drinking heavily among your fellow commuters.
The Devil’s Cider
Cider mixed with vodka to make it more alcoholic
This drink is born out of sheer desperation. Since you specified that you wanted some “cheap-ass alcohol,” your boot bought you a full two-six of discounted and out-of-season Peppermint Holiday Smirnoff, along with a two-litre bottle of Peach Growers. With no other choice but to accept the liquor, you say, “well, I guess I am going to kiss Alex tonight,” and mix the alcohols to make a drink that literally tastes like memory loss. The sickly sweet cider and the mouthwash-vodka pair horribly to make a dreadfully diabolical “drink.” You smile through the pain even though it feels like you just swallowed an ulcer.
Verdict: You saved $2, but you lost two lobes of your liver, as well as the five-year friendship you had with Alex.
– HD & MM
Any liquor that peaks your interest – ¼ glass
Another liquor from the cabinet that looks nice – ¼ glass
Sprite – ½ glass
Raspberry Bitter – Dash
When you finally take advantage of your legal drinking age, you’ll need to try and prove yourself to your more alcohol-literate friend. Do this by using several unique liquors left over from parties and previous cocktail experiments to make your own handcrafted alcoholic monstrosity. But, if you ask really nicely, they may let you into their kitchen to try being your own bartender.
Start with a bottle that you recognize from a movie, foolishly thinking that means you’ll know the taste already. Then, impulsively choose another bottle, one with a really pretty logo on it. Once you realize these mismatched alcohols have unexpectedly taken up half the glass, fill the rest with Sprite and fail to cover up the intensity. Lastly, add an insignificant dash of bitters to make this series of mistakes seem falsely classy and intentional.
College Island Iced-Tea
A splash of everything from your parents’ liquor cabinet
From the the bitter tasting gin to the sweet tasting blackberry liqueur, this drink will have you kneeling by the toilet in five minutes. No matter the mix and alcohol ratios, this cocktail always assumes a weird brown colour. Now what flavours are in this wondrous concoction? Rum? Yes. Kahlua? Sure. Some old white wine? Not sure where it came from, but hell yeah.
Closing Thought: Have you ever puked diarrhea? Because that is what this drink tastes and smells like.
Verdict: 100% ass water, steer clear.
– HD & MM