By: Winona Young

Earlier this week in SFU’s Maggie Benston Center (MBC), students were shocked to find a local asshole taking up an entire booth all to himself with his smug ass and all his shit, like it was entirely fine.

The student was first spotted in the MBC eating area at approximately noon, the height of the lunch rush. He allegedly passed by multiple empty white tables and made a beeline toward the booth, alone. He apparently then tossed his Herschel backpack to the opposing booth seat, and sat down without a care in the fucking world.

With marginally less seating in the MBC eating area, local SFU squads and crews were left without a comfortable place to sit. “I didn’t know how to break the news to my group chat,” a distraught student said. Second year Criminology student, Throckmorton Lee, reportedly approached the MBC area in hopes of finding a booth for his group mates, but was surprised to see that this son of a bitch had taken the last one available.

“He wasn’t even working, he was just on Reddit while he spread out a bunch of open notebooks on the table!” Lee exclaimed. “Like, just because you put your shit everywhere doesn’t justify you taking up that much space, you selfish bitch.”

Other students reacted to such a monstrous act with resignation. Third year English major, Boris de Binch, commented that while he felt annoyed by this dickbag’s claim to an entire MBC booth, he would not in fact confront the sick, sick man. “Like, yeah, I’m annoyed,” Boris explained, “but I’m not gonna actually do anything about it. I don’t know how to talk to another human being.”

The whereabouts of this absolute fucking beast have remained unconfirmed. The asshole in question was last spotted in the back of the 95 bus. He allegedly manspread his legs to take up a total of four seats alongside his Herschel backpack, and continued to act like a goddamn douche.
Go figure.