By: Nathaniel Tok
Original:
Dear Professor,
I am writing to inform you about a potential problem that I am having with the students you assigned to be in my project group. I am aware that you are very busy, but please reply to me as soon as you are available.
Sincerely,
Nathaniel
BSc candidate
Translation:
The students assigned to my group suck and it’s YOUR fault because you made up the groups for us, so do something about it. I am a high school Executive Illustrious Governor General Golden Number 1 Scholarship winner, this cannot be my fault.
Original:
Dear Nathaniel,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry for the delay in replying to your email. Can you please describe the situation with your group? Has your teaching assistant been made aware of the situation?
Warm regards,
Professor Sheldon Bestresearch
Bsc, BA, Msc, MA, MEng, MBA, MEd, MPH, MFA, JD, MD, PhD, DSc, FRSC, FRCSC, KBE
Director of Global Research in Researching about Research
Harvard, MIT, Oxford, Cambridge Adjunct Professor
Translation:
Are you kidding me? Did you know that I am a professor? The reason I take so long to reply is to show you exactly how busy I am. I have a dozen projects going on at the same time, each of which I actually know the name of! I mean, who is this “Nathaniel?” I think my wife’s childhood dog was called Nathaniel . . . Go bother the TAs, TAs please do a clean-up in aisle three!
P.S. Check out my rad credentials, haha a BSc? Bitch please, I got that when I was 12 during my free time.
Original:
Dear Professor,
One of my group members has unpleasant facial features which might not be an issue were it not for the fact that another member of my group — who has a deeply satisfying appearance of which I am most captivated and enamoured by — has been entranced by the one with the unpleasant facial features.
Translation:
I like a girl in my group, but she likes the other guy who is ugly and not me.
Original:
Dear Nathaniel,
I am of the belief that such aspects of the undergraduate student’s university experience are quite beyond my control. I would however advise you to dedicate your time to your academics rather than relationships. You would find your time and future in better hands. But if you do need any assistance, I suggest you begin your endeavours with your teaching assistant.
Translation:
Really, a romantic problem? I must not be giving enough work to my students if they have enough spare time to think of relationships. BTW I checked your marks, I hope you are not relying on the final or the curve to pass, because you suck!
Original:
This is an automatically sent email, please do not respond
Dear colleagues and students,
Thank you for your emails. Due to recent events in the workplace, I have decided to take advantage of a rare opportunity to diversify myself in a different work environment. I have taken an offer to work with a prestigious firm in the industry. As such, I will not be responding to emails from this account any longer.
Best Regards
Professor Emeritus Sheldon Bestresearch
Bsc, BA, Msc, MA, MEng, MBA, MEd, MPH, MFA, JD, MD, PhD, DSc, FRSC, FRCSC, KBE
Former Director of Global Research in Researching about Research
Former Harvard, MIT, Oxford, Cambridge Adjunct Professor
Translation:
Peace OUT, I’m done with this bullshit.
