By: Vincent Justin Mitra
Have you been gunning for that promotion at work but were too alpha to beta yourself by asking? Are you a lone wolf that wants to lead the litter instead of following? Do what winners do: get promoted! A top dog like you can’t let these sheep keep you from being the biggest shark in the woods! The key to a successful career is to assert your dominance and crush your peers below you, while convincing everyone (especially yourself) that you’re a Nice Guy™.
Here are the top five ways to get yourself promoted that all the experts don’t want you to know about.
Sweat
They say that genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. But a winner like you should crank that sucker to one-hundred percent; if you won’t go all the way, why go at all? Take the stairs unnecessarily! Wear a ski mask in July! Go to the gym and pour a sweat bucket on your face! It’s good for hydration, and you’ll smell like a winner.
Start conversations with spoilers
There are some shows that people really get into because of the excellent mysteries and cliffhangers. If you tell them how it ends before the show does, you’ll be their king! Make this a reflex. Whenever you hear someone talking about a show, shove your way into the conversation, mention the spoiler, and talk about how it was totally obvious and you knew it would happen since the first episode. You’re on a ladder that only goes up, friend!
Dominance through nicknames
There’s always that guy on a television show who makes up nicknames for the other characters. You can be that guy! Creativity here is key, since you don’t want to insult them outright, but you do want them to know you think you’re better than them. Go wild! Before you know it Xylophone Arms and Tomato Voice will both be talking to your boss about your well-deserved promotion!
Use all the words
You don’t want some other wolf flying in and possibly making you a beta or even a delta in the flock, do you? The only way they can do that is by talking, so fill the room with words. All the words. The best words. Use up every single word you know, and even a few you don’t, until there are no more words to say. The winner of a conversation is determined by volume, so turn yours up. You’ll have a monopoly on the conversation while everyone else is landing on free parking. Checkmate.
Multilevel pyramid marketing
Prove your worth to the company by helping them get rich quick with this one weird tip that four out of five dentists don’t want you to know. Your personal mentor is selling dreams by the barrel and you’ve got a hookup in the accounting department. Your boss will thank you later. If you can get your pleb co-workers to sell five boxes of dietary supplements and two cans of nutrition bars each, you’ll have that corner office in no time! You’re not selling out! You’re buying in! You can totally change the system from the inside. All you need to do is climb that pyramid.
