Go back

Woohoo, Boohoo

Opinions
EIC
EIC
1 min.
0
1463

Woohoo: Jam

Whether as a delicious treat or a session full of funky fresh beats, jam is the ultimate champion. There are strawberry jams, cherry jams, apricot jams, sick jams, groovy jams, suave jams, jams for all occasions.

Jam is a dignified breakfast spread upon which kings and gods feast, because everyone understands how holy a good jam is, blessing the breakfast table with its beauty. Jam is so beautiful that if this were one of those weird Miss Universe beauty contests — which are uncomfortably objectifying, demeaning, and horrifically sexist — jam would easily win the swimsuit section.

The sweet treat also reminds you of your even sweeter gran. Do you remember the last time she made you a big jar of strawberry jam? Your grandmother still makes you jam because even though you’re an ungrateful git who doesn’t visit often enough, she still loves you enough to bestow such a gift upon you. Now, go eat some fucking jam and call your grandmother.

Boohoo: Peanut Butter

Peanut butter is a nut butter. Honestly, the term “nut butter” is too much for my immature self. While all of you continue slathering your breakfast goods in the butter of nuts, I’ll seek a more civilized meal with fewer genitalia references.

Peanut butter is also highly suspicious because it comes in too many forms. Crunchy, smooth, unsalted, stir, no stir, natural, creamy; if this were the 1500s, we would’ve burned peanut butter at the stake because of its suspicious, witch-like shape-shifting. Too bad this isn’t the 1500s.

Additionally, the peanut is a flimsy fucking nut. Think about the sheer quality of the hazelnut: beauty, grace, boldness, and brilliance. Now compare that to that shit stain, the peanut. The peanut peevishly sits in its clumsy shell, desperate to keep people believing its lie. That’s right. Peanuts aren’t even nuts. They’re legumes. How can you put your trust in such an unfaithful breakfast spread?

Was this article helpful?
0
0

Leave a Reply

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Read Next

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society