To SFU,

I can’t figure out these recycling stations at SFU. I don’t know where to put anything. Speaking of sanitation, the Burnaby campus is filthy. Also, I’d pick up garbage but every time I try to, I get an uneasy feeling. And a lot of split ends. I feel like this is all related to the new SFU board of whatevers.

Cory Xin

Hi Cory,

Congratulations for tearing yourself away from your portable witchcraft device.

The new administration is indeed seeking change. So stay away from the litter! I clean the school. It’s my damn job.

You want to help? Be a decent university citizen. Maybe don’t stuff garbage between lecture hall seats. Or not literally everywhere in the library. Or, here’s one: can you actually LINE UP for the 145? I’m standing at the bus stop, completely corporeal, and you walk in front of me. Why do you think I’m even there? To listen to you bastards talk about Much Music? Or your Catholicism?

Do you ever wonder why doors at SFU just won’t open sometimes, Cory? Almost like someone’s holding them back? Sometimes you “students” don’t deserve it.

Don’t touch the garbage. You won’t put it in the right damn receptacle because you won’t put down your damn personalized calculator to look at the damn pictures. They’re just graphics, for God’s sake.

But, really, the school isn’t more dirty than the man, Simon Fraser, himself. Maybe we at the new management just wanted to keep the school as “impeccable” as him. Ever think of that, Cory?

I tell you what, a university named “Louis Riel” wouldn’t be haunted. I’d make damn sure of that.

Want to talk more? Whisper “Father of Manitoba” in an SFU mirror thrice. I dare you.

The Ghost of Louis Riel, Head of Sanitation