Lazy people of the world, my dear comrades: we all know the struggle of getting by while suffering from severe laziness. Indeed, lazy people are quite possibly the demographic that experiences the most prejudice and flak in their day-to-day lives. In today’s world, being lazy is seen as shameful and stigmatic.
While I could work to defy the discrimination that plagues us apathetic sloths, I’m far too lazy to do that. Instead, I’ve compiled a foolproof step-by-step process to sidestep the bias we face every day.
First, accept that as long as others perceive you as lazy, you will be forced to expend extra efforts to avoid the low expectations, disappointed sighs and, “You could do better”s that accompany every human interaction where something is expected of you. This step is vital, and should be quite simple for experienced lethargists; you must recognize the grim reality of a situation in which you were supposed to do something and didn’t.
Second, learn the importance of excuses. Excuses are what normal people use when they want to be lazy, but also want to feel better than those who are honest about being lazy. Remember that one of the properties that make excuses so versatile is they don’t even have to be true! For example, say it’s the due date for a class project and you forgot to hand anything in. The best way to go about mitigating this circumstance is by providing your professor with a doctor’s note.
Now, you may be wondering how you’ll get a doctor’s note when you haven’t seen a doctor. Fret not! Simply go to school for a PhD in medicine under a pseudonym, stock up on those coveted doctor’s note pads, and excuse yourself from any situation that is avoidable with a doctor’s note. Voila! (Tip: when writing your doctor’s note, be sure to make it as illegible as possible. This tells the reader that you have important doctor things to get to and don’t have time for silly note writing, adding a sense of legitimacy.)
Third, make sure to always answer as vaguely as possible when asked to do something in the future. This can take many forms, from “Oh sorry, I might have family stuff to do that day” to “I’ll try my best to make it, but I’ll probably need to spend the day finishing the last season of the live-action television show, Beauty and the Beast.” This gives you both an easy out for if you don’t feel like doing stuff when the time comes, and room for making it if it’s one of those days when you feel like doing things won’t kill you.
And last but not least, constantly looking dopey or tired is a sure-fire way to let even strangers know how lazy of a person you are. They’ll think, “Look, this person can barely keep their eyes open. What good will they be at any possible task I ask of them?” Make sure to take a minimum of six naps a day to avoid provoking their radars. If you always look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, there’s no way anyone will ever attempt to see through your excuses and unreliability.
And so, my associate sloths, learn to overcome the hardships we face as a demographic. I impart my wisdom unto you with the full knowledge that you’ve stopped reading by now to slack off.
