An Open Letter to “Cute Bus Guy”
I’m not creepy. Really. Okay, maybe a little creepy, but I swear it’s endearing once you get to know me. I’ve noticed that you know a couple of people that I . . . have met before. That’s basically mutual friends, which makes looking for you on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Bebo, Pinterest and MySpace completely rational. And my attempts at making eye contact with you then awkwardly almost smiling may need some work but hey that’s just friendly bus practice!
Anyways, I noticed you’ve grown out your hair a little bit. It looks good. You look kind of rugged now, it’s a good look for you. I’d like to tell you that in person but first I’d have to learn your name . . . and then figure out a way to make it seem completely normal that I’d known there had been a change . . . and why I know your name.
Maybe I’ll just make something up, like find out your name through some other source (still haven’t checked Tumblr or Nexopia or Google+ yet) and then say hi and pretend we’ve totally already met. Then you’d feel silly for forgetting we’d met and just go along with it.
And then I could add you on Facebook and then you’d learn my name and it would become just a normal thing for us to chat on the bus, you know, about your hair length or whatever. Then we could fall in love and elope to Ecuador… Or not, it’s your call. You just seem like someone who might enjoy the warm climate and friendly people of Ecuador.
I might stick with my current plan and stare at you like a scared rabbit every time you walk onto the bus, that seems to be going pretty well. Sometimes I like to think that you’ve named me ‘cute bus girl’ in your head, and maybe you’ll read this and decide to say hi the next time you see me, because you’ve been wanting to but felt unsure. You probably won’t but, it’s a nice thought. I hear Ecuador’s nice this time of year . . .
Signed,
Your Secret Stalker Admirer
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An Open Letter to the Person who Opened my Letter
Hey jerk. What the hell were you thinking opening my letter without my permission? I’m a deeply private person and I don’t want anything I write to end up just all out in the open or anything! I can’t imagine what I would do if a letter of mine somehow ended up in a public forum and could be read by anybody who wanted to. . . Uhhh, I don’t even want to think about it. Anyway, hopefully you’ll see this and learn from your mistake.
Signed,
Mary Siegel
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An Open Letter to People Who Like Short Sentences
You’re welcome.
Signed,
Brevity
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An Open Letter to Anyone Without a Spam Filter
I have tried reaching you several times. Your late relative, who happens to be a relation of yours going by family name passed away. She has left you an inheritance sum of six figures in London the united kingdom. Please confirm your full name,age and contact info, so i can begin the legal process of redeeming your lawful entitlement before the bank is compelled by law to keep the funds as no nextofkin.
Signed,
Randomly Generated Name
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An Open Letter to “Creepy Bus Girl”
I’m a cute guy. Really. Like a really cute guy. And I’m not creepy at all. But does being a cute guy mean I have to be stared at every time I just go on the bus?
I’m sure you probably know people who know me, but hey, I’m a popular guy, I have a lot of friends. It’s not like that would make us mutual friends or anything . . . I mean I get so many friend request on Facebook that I’ve had to increase all my security settings (I did the same on Twitter, LinkedIn, Bebo, Pinterest and MySpace too). And that weird eye contact you try to make before awkwardly almost smiling just isn’t proper bus etiquette!
Anyway, I’ve recently grown out my hair a little bit so you wouldn’t recognize me. I thought you might not be attracted to this new “rugged look.” But damn, it’s just such a good look for me. It doesn’t seem to have thrown you off either, and now it just seems like you’re always thinking of saying something to me but then start calculating something in your mind and then stop.
Maybe I’ll just stop riding the bus and get a car. Oh, and for some reason that reminded me I still haven’t updated my security settings on Tumblr or Nexopia or Google+ yet. Hopefully you won’t do something crazy like find out my name from one of those pages and then pretend we’ve already met. I would never go along with something like that.
Maybe I really will get a car . . . then I could finally delete my Facebook account. I mean, the only time I ever use it is on the bus. You know what, maybe I’ll just move to Peru all by myself. I do enjoy its warm climate and friendly people, they’re a lot better than those stuck up Ecuadorians.
Or maybe I’ll just stick with my current plan of pretending you don’t exist and just keeping to myself, I’m doing a pretty good job of that. If you’re reading this I just want to remind you that I’ve nicknamed you “Creepy Bus Girl.” You probably won’t read this but that’s just a mean thought I’ve had. That reminds me, I’m sure Ecuador is miserable at this time of year, god do I hate that place.
Signed,
Forever Anonymous
(Credits: “Cute Bus Guy” written by Meghan Lenz, the rest by Brad McLeod.)
