By Gary Lim
Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world last week when he announced that he would be stepping down as head of the Catholic Church, his reasons for doing so being a “lack of strength of the mind and body” to lead. Although since the announcement the pope has spent his time in quiet contemplation, The Peak was able to secure an interview with him through no small use of favor and grappling hooks.
Pope: So if I do this interview you agree not to publish the dark unholy secret of the
Pope-mobile.
Gary: Yeah, sure whatever.
P: Fine then, we may commence your
inter-view.
G: So Pope Benedict the XVI. . . .
P: Please just call me Benedict XVI.
G: So Benedict XVI, the question on the
world’s collective mind is “Dude, what
gives?”
P: I have told my children before; I no
longer have the strength to lead masses.
In order for the Catholic Church to stay
relevant in the modern age, we need
new blood. Someone in their young and
idealistic 60s.
G: But you yourself are only 85.
P: Yes, that is correct
G: But 85 in pope years is like being 35.
That would be like Justin Bieber retiring
now, instead of a decade from now when his
boyish good looks have been long eroded by
the sands of time and cocaine.
P: But I no longer have the strength —
G: How physically demanding could it
possibly be to be the pope? I can think of
like one workplace injury and that’s hatrelated
neck strain.
P:(Sighs) Look, can I tell you a secret”
G:I can think of no better avenue.
P: I just, I don’t want to be pope anymore,
okay? One day you’re a cardinal, the world
is your oyster. Then your “peers” elect you
pope, and at fi rst it’s great. Fast nights, days
hung-over muttering through your weekly
papal address in St. Peter’s, but then it sets
in that you’re the Pope. You spend nights
staring at the vaulted ceilings of your palace
bedroom thinking “Is this it, is this all I am?”
Look at Pope Pius XII, he was an amazing
drummer. But no one ever talks about that.
To the world he was just another pope,
another humanitarian leader. So that’s why I
cast off the hat. I didn’t want it to define me.
G: Speaking of the hat, do you get to keep it?
P: I wish. I have to return it dry cleaned
by the 15th or they keep my $300 deposit,
which I need because as I recently found
out they don’t actually pay you anything to
be the pope. I mean I noticed wasn’t getting
any paycheques, but I fi gured there were
just using direct deposit.
G: So what’s next for the papal father?
P: I was thinking of trying Judaism.
G: Oh, that’s an interesting choice.
P: Yeah I wanted to try something different
from Catholicism, but not too different, if
you get me. I’m not looking forward to the
circumcision, but the Bar Mitzvah looks like
a lot of fun. I’m just glad I’ll be fi ally able to
order a steak at TGI-Fridays.
G:Plus no more abstinence. I bet plenty
of shikshas would love to get with a former
pope.
P: You have no idea.
We high five.
