Toe-tapping tune topples Toronto tectonically
By Gary Lim
TORONTO — A destructive 7.4 magnitude Harlem Shake has completely demolished the downtown southern Toronto. The 7.4 shake, which occurred at approximately 3:20 p.m. Sunday, was followed by three smaller aftershakes with magnitudes ranging 4.0 to 4.2
The Canadian Jive-eological Survey pinpointed the epicenter of the massive shake to University of Toronto where some student likely unwittingly triggered the shake.
The Harlem Shake, a phenomenon that only began occurring in 2013, happens when a single person dances to the tune from Harlem Shake by electronic artist Baauer. Following
30 seconds of chorus, the vicinity is immediately filled with dancers numbering dozens to thousands. Like mayflies, these dancers then proceed to rave themselves to death not stopping for food, rest or sleep. The ensuing dance party lasts for days, completely decimating the surroundings.
Although not every instance of playing the song triggers a Harlem Shake, every documented
Shake has begun with a lone person shaking their hips and the frantic beeping chorus of “Con los terroristas.” Maggie Thompson, a firstyear at U of T who was rescued from one of the collapsed buildings, recounts the horrifying experiment.
“I was in chem when it happened. The lecture hall doors were closed, but you could hear it through the doors. I don’t spend much time on the Internet. All of a sudden half-naked people were slamming into me. It was so loud and disorienting, someone in a full-body latex horse suit elbowed me in the head and I fell down. “I could see the professor, she was trying to shout something over the music. I think she was trying to — oh god, Professor Sahota. I saw her, crushed to death under a pile of gyrating torsos and pool toys. It was such carnage, raw gutwrenchingly catchy carnage. ”
Professor Jaspreet Sahota was just one of the hundreds of reportedcasualties so far, but numbers continue to climb as rescue teams are stilling pulling oddly costumed bodies from the wreckage. Such events mirror the tragedies suffered in Jakarta last month, when a massive rave-alanche demolished several villages located at the base of Mt. Wubadub. But the worst may be far from over, explains CJS seismologist, DJ Electrogoof McKruunkfresh PhD “Yo, checkkit, dis latest Harlem shake is part of a string we been tracking at the CJS. Look at the data from the latest shake,” said McKruunkfresh pointing to large seismological chart. “The correlation between our models and the measured data is mad linear. Look here the bass dropped 40 per cent in this Shake as predicted. Now I’ll be straight with you if this holds up, we could see something twice as worse in the next six months.”
Already efforts have gone out to prevent any further transmittance of the song. All YouTube videos containing the tune have been removed from the site, and electronic artist Baauer has been sentenced by the International Court of Justice at Hague to death by firing squad.
