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Elderly man responsible for “bread epidemic” at local duck pond

Humour
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By Brad McLeod  — Bread McLoaf

SURREY — An elderly man was detained by the RCMP early Saturday morning in connection with a recent rash of illegal bread distribution among local birds at Surrey Lake Park.

Robert Moore, a 75-year-old retiree, has been charged with introducing a “banned substance” into the duck pond, which has been forbidden by local park workers who say that bread is responsible for a number of problems among their wildlife.

“Ever since the bread started flowing in we’ve seen a real change in our birds,” said one concerned parks worker. “Not only has the pond become crowded and dirty, but there’s been a shocking increase in the amount of bird-on-bird violence.”

Nearby residents have also been affected by what they describe as an unnerving change in the dynamics of the aviary community over the past few months.

“It started with just the ducks but now I’m starting to see all sorts of bread-eating fowl flying around the whole area,” said one upset parks-goer. “There are birds out here I’ve never even seen before. You know, loud, lazy, minority birds, just staying perched and squawking for handouts.”

Local park-frequenters have described the increase of feathered “bread heads” as turning the park from a nice family location into “like just about anywhere else in Surrey.”

“The duck pond used to be such a nice, quiet area. Now I’m afraid to go there,” said one man hanging out near the bushes. “It’s gotten so bad, I don’t even feel comfortable selling my crack cocaine here anymore.”

While most residents and resident drug dealers have only voiced anger towards the new clientele of birds, there are others who are actually looking out for the birds’ well-being.

“Bread can be very unhealthy for birds since it isn’t a natural food for them” said local veterinarian, Jill Smith “I can’t imagine what kind of a sick person or government conspiracy would have introduced it to them.”

Smith went on to give warnings about the frightening effects that bread has already caused in other inner city duck ponds including the birth defects of what she described as “bread ducklings”.

Although police have not yet proven that Mr. Moore in fact gave the bread away, the police have found the exact same brand of a so-called “wonder bread” in their raid of the man’s home.

The RCMP has stated that although it’s not exactly concrete evidence, they are pretty sure that it is enough to enforce the maximum punishment for this crime: a $20 fine.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society