By Colin Sharp
Photos by Mark Burnham
This could get weird, and I don’t mean to offend you, but you are kind of . . . boring. Like, really boring. Enough so that I’m worried that it’s some kind of syndrome or condition. I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if there were an annual telethon held to try and fix people like you. Luckily, I know enough about medicine and doctoring and witchcraft to realize that it’s not a condition. Simply put, you are just a boring piece of shit that leans against the wall at parties nursing a solitary can of Canadian for hours on end. Tough luck, kid.
Before we get started, you’re gonna need to rock this beer bong.
This is something we can fix though. No, I’m not going to start a telethon for you. Instead I’m going to be your party sensei. With my steady hand to guide you, you will soon be the hit of the party. But before we start, you’re gonna need to rock this beer bong. Don’t be a pussy.
1. Know your setting.
Every party requires a different strategy, so be attuned with your environment. Where are you? What’s going on? Who’s that? Is that contagious? These are the type of questions you’ll be asking yourself. If it’s a frat party, you’ll need to figure out how to avoid talking to frat guys. If it’s pool party you’ll have to remember not to pee in the pool. You’re just swimming in your own piss. That’s gross. The obvious solution is to pee into the pool; that way only the idiots that got in the pool have to deal with your fluids.
2. Shots!
Alright man, you’re doing tequila right now. Anybody have limes? Ah fuck it, just do it straight. Oh shit, wear this sombrero when you do the tequila! It’ll be hilarious. Mexico! Now drink it. Don’t be a pussy.
3. Play the hottest jams.
You always have the best songs. Blow these fucking proles’ minds with your dope music. Sure they’ve never listened to hip-hop from the sub-genre of “horrorcore,” but you know they’re going to looooove it. Shit man, they’re all looking at you weird. Oh well, just whip it out. No seriously, this always turns you into the focus of the room. You’ll probably have a bunch of guys that think they’ve got something more impressive, but for some reason girls love it when you do this. So seriously, whip out that acoustic guitar and it will take this party to another level. If people close their eyes, they’ll swear John Mayer himself is there playing “Your Body Is A Wonderland”.
4. More shots!
Dude, I don’t even remember the last time you did a shot. Come with me. Let’s do tequila! Oh, you don’t want more tequila? We’ll just do whiskey then. Mixing liquors will definitely make you the hit of the party. Now drink this. Don’t be a pussy. Oh man, you look like you’re gonna throw up. Just duck in that room to do it, no one will notice. Oh . . . oh no. Well, advice for next time: Throw up in a toilet or something instead of a washing machine. This is a learning process, you’ve got nowhere to go but up.
5. Run!
Oh fuck, the cops are here. You better bail.
Well, that could have gone better. In all honesty, I don’t think you were really the hit of that party. You mostly just embarrassed yourself. I’m pretty sure you’ll be good to go next time though. I bet you just need to drink more.
