Q: What New Year’s Resolutions have you made to make sure 2012 is the best year ever?

“I’m going to finish that calendar of mine. I’ve been putting that off for WAY too long now.”

—Axotl Muzencab , Ancient Mayan

“Calendars are mass mind control. Another way the guv’ment keeps us running in our neat little tracks, man”

—Gregory Barnett, Man in tin foil hat

“Finally going to figure out what ‘Auld Lang Syne means. That’s been bothering me all year'”

—Arnie Odsteff, Pigeon Enthusiast

“It’s a bit early for that, isn’t it? New Year’s isn’t even for another two weeks.”

—The Chinese, People from China

“By god I’ll be less guillible this year!”

—Father Bernard, Local Priest