New Year’s resolutions (the ones you should have made)

By Kelly Thoreson

The new year is a time for contemplation, for reflecting on the year past and on what we desire for the future. It’s a time to make resolutions and become better, more fulfilled human beings. I like to think positively, though, and think of it as a time to become a more awesome person. Really, who wants to better themselves through proper nutrition, regular exercise, or spiritual enlightenment like all of those normie, fuddy-duddy resolutions? When I am an old fart, I don’t want to look back and say that I lived a balanced and healthy life — I want to say that I did everything I could and was a total badass about it. Duh.

So with those sentiments in mind, here is a list of resolutions that you should probably consider if you want to be a true success story in this book called life.


Be more sassy

Sure, there is something to be said for being ‘kind’ or ‘patient’, but it’s not really that memorable. Sassiness is what is going to make you those new friends in 2012, and even land you that job on the prime time drama Jersey Shore. Resolve to snap your fingers more, sway your hips, and bring your best sass-mouth to all of your social gatherings.


Drink more Jager 

Jager has a lot of good things going for it. First of all, it is more expensive than your regular ol’ Pabst Blue Ribbon, so the classiness metre is going to shoot through the roof when you’re stumbling through a party with a bottle of this fine alcohol under your arm. Second, you can make bombs — Jager Bombs! (You see what I did there?) Finally, when someone inevitably mispronounces it, you have a free pass to say you’re cool like Jagger and bust some sweet rooster moves. Win, win, win.


Create the new McGangbang 

If you even have to ask what a McGangbang is, you are a bit of a lost cause on this one. (Alternatively, you could look it up on Google and bring yourself up to speed; we’re not in the frackin’ Dark Ages, you know.) This build-it-yourself sandwich is still a mystery to even some McDonald’s employees, but it has frankly become boring and tame in the world of fast food connoisseurs. We want something new (and definitely something bigger), and I have a sneaky feeling that you should be the awesome human being to create it.


Learn to pick locks 

Don’t you play Skyrim? How totally cool would you be if you could actually pick locks? (The correct answer is really cool — like, way cool.) Really, it is the first step to fighting dragons. And you do want to fight dragons, don’t you?


Win a milk-chugging contest 

They say that it is impossible to drink four litres of milk without vomming — which is why you should get out some tarps and garbage bins (you know, for cleanliness’ sake) and make it your mission to prove this myth wrong. Once you have completed this goal, consider padding your resume with this accomplishment. Employers will appreciate your determination and lactose tolerance.


Be a couch potato

You know, being lazy can be hard work sometimes. Avoiding responsibilities, personal hygiene, and basic needs like hunger can be a real workout for the body and the mind — which is a good thing, right? Really try to flex those underused muscles this year. Begin with just a few hours on the couch each day, then build up to multi-day marathons of not getting off the couch. Pro-tip: think about investing in a mini fridge and a catheter if you really plan on taking this exercise seriously.


 Go on a Kraft Dinner diet 

You know, it has become really cliché for university kids to live off of instant noodles. I say break that stereotype by raising your standards to instant macaroni and cheese. Unlike instant noodles, it provides essential protein in its dehydrated cheese packet. Plus, when you’re trying to impress a fella or a lady, you can pretty honestly tell them that you know how to cook. (After all, you do have to mix multiple ingredients together).


Text more often

The holiday season usually reacquaints us with old pals, whom we (truthfully or otherwise) say we would like to keep in better touch with. What better way to do this than to fire a few texts their way every couple of hours? And why stop with just old friends? Tighten the bonds you share with your close friends, family, and — most important — Facebook friends by constantly working those thumbs on your baby cellphone keyboard. Texting should probably take precedent over lame activities like going to class, eating, and real-life interacting; it is the fruit of any healthy relationship.


Read less

There is nothing that you can learn from a book that Google can’t teach you faster. I repeat: nothing. So why bother reading at all? Newspapers, textbooks, novels, biographies, and encyclopedias — none of these compare to the speed of the inter-webs. In an effort to become more smart, knowledgeable, and even more intelligent, consider using all of that time you would spend reading Googling. And God forbid you ever read a poem again.