zach siddiqui
Fake friendships to reopen on “optional, part-time basis”
May 25, 2020By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Forget the economy: it’s time to bring back an even more arbitrary part of our lives, authorities say. The British Columbian government has recommended that throughout the province, fake friendships begin reopening, possibly as early as next week. “It’s time to get back to business as usual,” says BC Premier Don Morgan. Friends are advised to alternate which types of fake friends they visit at a time. For example, provincial health officer Dr. Connie Penry recommends reserving Mondays for friends you use as human selfie sticks, Thursdays for annoying friends of friends who always show…
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Board Shorts: May 15, 2020
May 24, 2020Written by: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Disputes over new role of Legal Liaison Officer Mohamed was appointed as Legal Liaison Officer (LLO), a newly created role designed to work with the executive council to process and approve SFSS staff requests…
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Grade 12 students petition for grad ceremony with classmates they hate
May 15, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor PORT COQUITLAM, BC — Just like all the other Grade 12 students in British Columbia, Courtney Pierce has been counting the days until her one last chance to party with 400 people she blatantly…
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Hey, Rapunzel here — I think my quarantine haircut just killed a man
May 15, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor To misquote Veronica Sawyer of Heathers fame, my quarantine hair-angst bullshit has a body count. I mean, I wouldn’t say I feel crazy guilty. Obviously I didn’t want any of my suitors to die.…
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How To Make Sure Your Virtual Classmates Still Know How Pretty You Are
May 14, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Amidst the virtual academia of COVID-19, beauty is a beast of burden. Nothing’s worse than knowing your classmates will never get to experience your glow in person and die of crippling inferiority complexes! Desperate…
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“She’s serving a look,” says woman about neighbour’s fern
May 11, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor PORT COQUITLAM, BC — On Tuesday morning, local quarantiner Angelica Velasquez reported that her neighbour’s plants were looking hot as fuck, especially the maidenhair fern growing in their window. “She [the fern] has always…
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CONFESSIONALS: I finally found myself, and everything I found horrified me
March 31, 2020By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor With my $40 trip to Greece abruptly cancelled, I wasn’t going to give up on self-discovery. And that, really, was my downfall. Ever since my brief stint as a volleyball player in middle school, I’ve…
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STEM students complain that variables still won’t self-isolate
March 23, 2020By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Classes have only been cancelled for a few days, but hundreds of SFU students have already emailed complaints to the school about possible COVID-19 exposure caused by math assignments. “It’s like, every single equation, the…
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DEAR PEAKIE: Food, friends, and falling into time distortion
February 25, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Dear Peakie, How can I get a better enrolment date? From, MG * Dear MG, Hmm . . . this is a toughie. Try slipping on those unforgiving concrete stairs on campus and hitting…
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SFSS hires this year’s IEC chief, a loaf of banana chocolate chip bread
February 5, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor As the SFSS election season draws near, the Board of Directors has appointed this year’s chief independent electoral commissioner (IEC): a loaf of banana chocolate chip bread. The independent electoral commission is appointed every…
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