How To Make Sure Your Virtual Classmates Still Know How Pretty You Are

Beauty is in the easily manipulated eye of the sheeple

Courtesy of Brooke Cagle via Unsplash

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Amidst the virtual academia of COVID-19, beauty is a beast of burden. Nothing’s worse than knowing your classmates will never get to experience your glow in person and die of crippling inferiority complexes! Desperate to cling to widespread acknowledgement of how pretty you are, since you secretly lack the self-esteem to define more specific pluses about yourself? Worry not, as long as you remember these five critical tactics.

Being yourself. Or being the idealized self a classmate fantasizes about becoming — it’s the same thing anyway. Be just attentive enough in class to take notes on the things that really matter, namely your classmates’ insecurities. Matt’s still planning on “transferring to Beedie next semester” after four years of schooling? Spend the next class jangling keys off of what he’ll know is an overpriced lanyard. Rinse and repeat. 

Speaking into the mic from far away, as if you’re standing forlornly at your windowsill. Remember: nothing could be more Victorian sex appeal than waiting by the glass, unshed tears frosting your eyes as you gaze out upon the lush landscape beyond your driveway, all alone. The bad sound quality will transmit your adorable anguish to your classmates for sure! 

Sudden reassurances that it’s been months since your latest spouse was assassinated. Really, who could be a better role model for prettiness than the historic First Ladies of America? Emulate them and you’ll really be killing it. Just like Jackie O’s man was killed in 1963.

Whispers of Shakespearean poetry mixed with watery gurgling noises. Just like you, fiction isn’t real. And there are just two fictional style icons worth taking notes from in this world: Hamlet’s Ophelia and The Call of Cthulhu’s Cthulhu! Your Zoommates’ll totally be silently bewitched, like siren’s prey, as you sprinkle the session with sweet nothings like “yaw nevar aitnemed ssen’krad ynobe,” all while seeming to fade into the waters of darkness. 

Casual hints that you’ve revived from death countless times throughout human history. Honestly, the most beautifully tragic figures of all are those who linger on the boundary between life, death, and gifted-child burnout blues, never able to move on. Once you mention on the call that you feel kind of anemic and chained to this world or whatever, your new friends will finally understand you — whether that comes before or after you suck out all their life energy is their choice.