Horoscopes
Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 20–26
January 21, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You’ll sweat a bit this week. You think your friends might be playing “kiss, marry, kill” with your id, ego, and superego, all behind your back. Chill out and don’t let them make you feel awkward. Just play “kill, kill, kill” . . . with your expectations of loyalty. Taurus — April 20–May 20 You’ll have a disagreement or two this week. Don’t ever budge; don’t ever concede anything. If your opponent brings actual logical rebuttals to your opinions, just hide in the CSSS common room and pretend it…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 13–19
January 14, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your brain is quite compatible with rocket science. Just like a rocket, it doesn’t work unless you drink rocket fuel. Make this week the week to suffer responsibly for…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 6–12
January 6, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You’ve made your New Years’ resolutions. And you’ll break them all this week. But don’t feel guilty. It’s hard, committing to stop buying Nutella at the grocer’s when you…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 25–30
November 24, 2019Aries — March 21–April 19 Well, you did it. You got through the semester without (being arrested for?) arson. So spend this week reminding yourself that pyromania is not a Christmas gift you give yourself — nor is it a Christmas…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 18–24
November 20, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Find a day this week to bathe in tomato paste. It will neutralize the acrid, nauseating scent of clout-chaser on your body. Taurus — April 20–May 20 It’s a…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 12–18
November 12, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Stop it with the selfishness this week. Make some sacrifices. Like becoming a ritual sacrifice to the dark entity slumbering inside Forum Chambers. Your bone marrow will feed the…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 5–11
November 6, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You could participate in NaNoWriMo this year. But why write a rushed novel when your whole life is basically a rushed novel? Complete with contrived misfortunes, an arbitrary plot…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 29–November 4
October 29, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your stars spell terrible destinies for you this week. And you’re just going to have to put up with that. You think you have an unfair relationship with astronomy?…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 21–October 28
October 21, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Enough with all the blushing over cuties on the SkyTrain. Blood is for dramatically staining the love letter you’re writing when you’re unexpectedly murdered in your own study, not…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 14–20
October 16, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Victory will be yours this week. No matter the cost. You might end up in some conflicts because of that. But if your friends can’t handle how trash they…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]