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Ask Dr. Duh: Finances

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Dear Dr. Duh,

I have a little problem. This is my first year out on my own, and I’m already flat-out broke. I mean, who knew that living on your own was so expensive? The attractive twenty-somethings on T.V. make it seem so easy. Anyways, I was wondering if you have any money-saving advice? I’d just like to make rent one month without having to sell my blood.

Sincerely,

No More Money from Mommy
 

Dear No More Money from Mommy,

Lucky for you, I have a ton of money-saving tricks up my sleeve! For example: instead of two costly sleeves, opt for one really long sleeve that you can stick both arms into. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

First of all, who needs cable when you have a gym membership? Most treadmills are equipped with their own personal televisions! In fact, you’ll find that the average gym membership is on the order of dollars less than what your cable bill might be.

Plus, you can brag to all your friends that you’re at the gym on a Friday night, when really, you’ve got that treadmill kicked in low gear, seven or eight vodka tonics in a water bottle, with an episode of Breaking Bad queued up.

Here are just a few more unspoken “name brand” product secrets that those damn corporate shucksters devised in order to laugh all the way to the bank. First of all, “face cream” is just body lotion crammed into a small, shiny container, and tripled in price. Ignore what that comically convincing Ellen DeGeneres tells you about her CoverGirl secret, because the real “secret” is that make-up artist of hers, who I’m sure could make my grandmother look like Madonna (okay, maybe Madonna in her more recent years). So trust me, Ellen’s not glam because some $500 baby placenta facial rejuvenation lotion. I’m sure she uses non-scented Lubriderm just like the rest of us.

There’s plenty more ways to dodge name brand premiums. Why buy cream for your coffee when you can just walk into a Starbucks and use theirs? The same applies for milk, sugar, napkins, and tiny wooden sticks. (They hate me at Starbucks). Kleenex? Just expensive toilet paper. No need to buy both, end of story. (Note: This only works one way). And can we get over this “organic” phase already? You’re basically just paying more for your lettuce to get to you unwashed and full of dead and living spiders.

See, No More Money from Mommy? It’s actually pretty easy to live on your own, when you do a little bit of thinking outside the box. Oh that reminds me, I forgot one: living in a box, and renting out your home as a hostel. Not many think about it, but it can be a lifesaver when you find yourself running low on dinero at the end of the month.

Fiscally yours,

Dr. Duh

 

By Kelli Gustafson

Ski Ninjas: Tim

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By Kyle Lees at Ski Ninjas

Horoscopes: October 1, 2012

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Aries (March 21 – April 20)

This week will go to show that you can’t keep running from your problems forever; instead try driving at high speeds around corners.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Good news! This week you’ll finally beat that smoking habit that’s plagued you all your life, with the help of good old fashioned willpower and crystallized methamphetamines.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Problems will arise at work this week when a co-worker accidentally lets the cat out of the bag. Just when you thought you’d just finished securing the last bag for the incinerator, too.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Problems will arise this week when your hair is cut tragically short.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In the true fashion of the lion, Leos around the world will have their uncles kill their fathers and seduce their mothers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Ouch, the only lower than your spirits this week is your T-cell counts. Feel better pal.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

The stars kind of overdid it at the zodiac office party last night, so if you could take charge of your own destiny until the coffee starts kicking in, that’d be great.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

You know what they say, candy is dandy but not a suitable substitute for human plasma.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Looks like Saturn is in your sign this week. Oh, and Mars and Venus too? Huh, Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune are also up there. OK, something’s not right; can someone call NASA about this?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’re starting to think when the doctor said you were as fit as a fiddle, he was talking about your severe case of bow-leggedness.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Not much really happens to you this week. I mean besides the harpoon thing. Boy won’t your face be red.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

Pisces failed to submit a prediction by deadline this week. So instead, please enjoy this recipe for corn bread.

Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups cornmeal; 2 1/2 cups milk; 2 cups all-purpose flour; 1 tablespoon baking powder; 1 teaspoon salt; 2/3 cup white sugar; 2 eggs; 1/2 cup vegetable oil.

Directions: Preheat oven to 200 degrees C. In a small bowl, combine cornmeal and milk; let stand for 5 minutes. Grease a 9×13 inch-baking pan. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Mix in the cornmeal mixture, eggs and oil until smooth. Pour batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 30–35 minutes, or until a knife inserted into the center of the cornbread comes out clean.

Petter Watch: Oct 1, 2012

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“Cover is TEN dollars,” yells Petter while standing outside the Highland Pub on a Thursday.

BONUS: Petter forced to pay transit fare after forgetting to get his new UPass

 

Word on the Street: NFL Referees

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Q: The NFL’s referee troubles continued with a hotly contested win for the Seahawks.Thoughts?

 

 

“Why don’t they just hire the NHL refs, they don’t seem to be doing anything.”

Evan Smith

Sports Fan

 

“Well looks like hockey and football are kaput. But you still got baseball, what no—where are you going. Come back! ”

Toronto Blue Jays

Just, just  terrible

 

“Okay this one’s thrown me for a loop. But I’ve narrowed the referee strike down to alien conspiracy, lizardman conspiracy or free masons. Or maybe it’s all three!”

Gregory Barnett

Man in tin foil hat

 

“While this does prove that untrained referees aren’t a permanent solution. I think the situation is too complex to say who’s definitively right or wrong. It’s not black or white, is all I’m saying.”

George Brown

Goddamit, did he really just say that

 

“You know what? I don’t need this. I’m only doing this job so I can pay for my cataract surgery.”

Anthony Jargamenov

Scab Referee

A cure is on the horizon

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By Melissa Hiebert (The Martlet)

Will we cure HIV in our lifetime?

VICTORIA (CUP) — The human body can do many amazing things: heal cuts, fight off diseases, and bear the consequences of our impulsive actions. But our bodies have many limitations. There are some things that have so far evaded both the body’s natural resilience and years of man’s mental ingenuity.

Since before its official recognition in 1981, human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) has been one of the most evasive and widespread viruses in the world. For years it has been believed that, while we could manage HIV by maintaining a sort of rocky co-existence between the virus and our bodies, a cure would never be found.

In 2009, Timothy Brown — for years known only to the public as “The Berlin Patient”  — became the first man in history to be declared cured of HIV.

Two threats, one treatment

Seattle-born Timothy Brown was living in Berlin when he contracted HIV in 1995. Fortunately, the advent of new anti-retroviral drugs in 1996 allowed people with HIV to live longer and healthier lives. Brown became used to this relatively healthy life until, in 2006, he developed a second life-threatening disease: leukemia.

After an initial bout of chemotherapy, Brown’s leukemia started to go into remission. However, when it returned in January 2007, it became clear that a stem-cell transplant was necessary.

It was around this time that Brown’s oncologist, Gero Hutter — who had no previous background in HIV research — made a suggestion that would eventually materialize into a possible cure for one of the world’s most devastating diseases — for one man, at least.

Hutter had casually come across studies that showed the HIV virus attaches itself to immune system response cells in our body called T-cells . When HIV takes over enough of these cells, the viral infection develops into AIDS and leaves the body fatally vulnerable to even the most placid illnesses.

However, people with a particular genetic mutation that’s present in about one per cent of the European population do not have the CCR5 receptor — the major co-receptor that HIV uses to infect the body. These few have a natural resistance to HIV. In a flash of ingenuity, Hutter had the idea to take advantage of Brown’s impending stem-cell transplant and use cells from someone with this HIV-resistant mutation.

His ingenuity paid off: Brown stopped taking his HIV drugs the day of the transplant and never took them again. After repeated tests, an article was published in the New England Journal of Medicine, tentatively declaring Brown cured of HIV.

The Berlin Patient speaks

Brown says that he was initially reluctant to attempt the treatment.

“My initial thoughts were that I basically just wanted to be cured of the leukemia,” says soft-spoken Brown, recalling the first time the experimental treatment came up. “I thought it was a great idea, but I didn’t really believe that it would work.”

At first, Brown turned down the stem-cell transplant option — stem-cell transplants are notoriously difficult on the body, and incredibly risky. When it became clear that there were no other options, Brown consented to receiving the transplant.

Brown is now both leukemia- and HIV-free. He still undergoes regular testing to ensure that the virus is not present in his body, and also gives regular blood samples to medical researchers across the United States.

Yet there is some controversy over whether or not Brown is completely rid of the virus. This past June, a San Francisco-based research group claimed that they had in fact detected very low levels of infected cells in samples they had collected from Brown. However, the report they published states that it is “impossible to conclude” that Brown remains infected. This, coupled with the lack of similar findings from other labs, and that the viral genes don’t completely match samples of Brown’s HIV before the transplant, suggest that the test results may be due to a sample contamination.

Regardless of whether or not the findings are accurate, Brown is still considered functionally cured, meaning that even if some virus particles remain present, the virus is not actively replicating.

For years Brown was reluctant to make his identity public. “I did an interview in 2009 with a German newspaper. When I did that interview, I asked them not to use my name,” says Brown, who was still recovering. “I began to realize in 2010 that I needed to come out and be an advocate for other people to find a cure for HIV.”

The Timothy Ray Brown Foundation

Since 2010, Brown has focused on being an activist for the cure of HIV. Brown’s specific cure is not practical on a wide-range scale (due to its high risk, shortage of donors, and cost), but researchers are taking what they’ve learned from Brown’s case and are attempting to use that knowledge to work on more feasible cures. For instance, Brown mentions one attempt that focuses on removing HIV-susceptible receptors from T-cells without resorting to a transplant.

In July, Brown announced his new foundation, the Timothy Ray Brown Foundation, the only charity with the sole purpose of securing funds for cure research. Because modern-day anti-retroviral drugs are effective, and an ultimate cure for HIV was previously thought impossible, most research is geared towards improving these sorts of drugs. Studies have shown that the average life expectancy of those who receive an early diagnosis and proper treatment is only around seven years shorter than someone without the virus.

Despite the significant increase in life expectancy, however, both Brown and one of the co-founders of The World AIDS Institute, Chad Johnson, are adamant that one of the most important tasks for those living with HIV is to work towards finding a cure.

“From my perspective, the way that we can really help people is that we can be investing a whole lot more resources into finding a cure,” says Johnson, who has been involved in civil rights work for over 20 years. Johnson notes that although the United States government is planning to invest $2 to $3 billion into cure research in the next two years, it’s not enough.

“We’re really behind the game,” says Johnson. “Look at [Brown’s] example and you can see there is a cure. If there is one person who can be cured, we can cure this thing. All we need is the right political and social will to make it happen. Our job is to make sure that hope is out there.”

Spreading the cure

The possibility of finding a cure seems more likely all the time. At the International AIDS Conference this year, researchers from Harvard presented a report detailing the cases of two other patients who underwent a similar procedure to Brown. So far, no traces of the virus have been found in their blood samples. However, researchers maintain that it is still too soon to claim that they have been cured.

The main difference is that, while Brown’s stem cells came from a donor with the CCR5 mutation, the two other patients’ donors did not, demonstrating the CCR5 mutation might have helped with Brown’s cure, but it may not be necessary to the procedure.

Wherever this research leads, it has given people living with HIV hope for the future. Brown’s best advice for those living with the virus: “Don’t give up hope, because a cure is on the horizon.”

Brown’s story is one that documents both the unique ability of human ingenuity to step in and help cure the body when it is unable to cure itself, and the resilience of body and spirit. After surviving two life-threatening illnesses and narrowly escaping death several times, Brown’s outlook remains positive.

“I joked to a friend of mine that I have nine lives, and he said I have at least a hundred,” says Brown. “I live my life as if I will live forever. Hopefully I will live for a long time. And I hope to be alive when there’s a cure for HIV for everyone.”

Pizza Hands: Horsing Around

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By Gary Lim and Eleanor Qu

Rotten numbers or rotten reviews

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We need to review the movies, not reviews of the movies

By Handsome Will
Photos by Tim Sheerman-Chase

When Vincent Canby wrote a negative review of The Empire Strikes Back, he couldn’t have predicted the scathing response he would get on the Rotten Tomatoes review aggregate website. Typical comments included “Your stupidity is almost as big as my hatred towards you,” “dude are you unaware that this movie was critically acclaimed,” and “Die. Die you fucking piece of sub-human, anti-emotion, below fucking scum douchebag motherfucker.” Canby couldn’t have predicted this sort of backlash for two reasons: because he wrote it in 1980, and because he’s been dead for more than a decade.

The Tomatometer, which indicates the per cent of critics who gave a film favourable reviews, has taken an absolute hold of film criticism, and, worse, public perceptions of it. Critics’ individual opinions are no longer relevant except for the extent to which they shape consensus.
When the first reviews for Christopher Nolan’s much-hyped The Dark Knight Rises were released in July, there was an intensely hateful response against any critical dissent, piling up into hundreds of comments for each negative review. Rotten Tomatoes responded by disabling all comments on that film, and to this day comments on the film cannot be posted or viewed.
Removing comments is all well and good, but it merely addresses a symptom. Aggregates like Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic (which compiles reviews for movies, video games, television, and music) exacerbate the real problem: numbers.

Attaching numbers to reviews was not always the default practice that it is today. For cinema, the practice was not a universal one until the 90s. Music reviews got into that groove during Rolling Stone’s 60s heyday, and video games were born into a judgment system as numerical as the computers that made them.

As the tendency to quantify and categorize things on an arbitrary “good–bad” spectrum has increased, so has the size of the scales. Four-point scales became 10-point, and now 100-point systems are practically standard. If we imagine someone pondering whether a work of art is worth 53 or 54, we can see the absurdity of the whole system in microcosm.
The greatest value of a critic is her words, and if you are wondering whether or not to see a movie, read a book, or listen to music, those words will do you far more good than a number possibly can. If you use the Tomatometer to help you choose what to see, that’s fine; a linear scale can help with that. But individual reviews simply don’t need and shouldn’t have those numbers, and readers shouldn’t respond to them.

When we allow discussion and judgment to rest on a straight line, we pigeonhole the merits and complexities of art into a steel-belted consumption system. It’s easy to blame the studios for making movies by numbers, but if we watch them that way, who can blame them?