Ask Dr. Duh: Finances

Dear Dr. Duh,

I have a little problem. This is my first year out on my own, and I’m already flat-out broke. I mean, who knew that living on your own was so expensive? The attractive twenty-somethings on T.V. make it seem so easy. Anyways, I was wondering if you have any money-saving advice? I’d just like to make rent one month without having to sell my blood.

Sincerely,

No More Money from Mommy
 

Dear No More Money from Mommy,

Lucky for you, I have a ton of money-saving tricks up my sleeve! For example: instead of two costly sleeves, opt for one really long sleeve that you can stick both arms into. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

First of all, who needs cable when you have a gym membership? Most treadmills are equipped with their own personal televisions! In fact, you’ll find that the average gym membership is on the order of dollars less than what your cable bill might be.

Plus, you can brag to all your friends that you’re at the gym on a Friday night, when really, you’ve got that treadmill kicked in low gear, seven or eight vodka tonics in a water bottle, with an episode of Breaking Bad queued up.

Here are just a few more unspoken “name brand” product secrets that those damn corporate shucksters devised in order to laugh all the way to the bank. First of all, “face cream” is just body lotion crammed into a small, shiny container, and tripled in price. Ignore what that comically convincing Ellen DeGeneres tells you about her CoverGirl secret, because the real “secret” is that make-up artist of hers, who I’m sure could make my grandmother look like Madonna (okay, maybe Madonna in her more recent years). So trust me, Ellen’s not glam because some $500 baby placenta facial rejuvenation lotion. I’m sure she uses non-scented Lubriderm just like the rest of us.

There’s plenty more ways to dodge name brand premiums. Why buy cream for your coffee when you can just walk into a Starbucks and use theirs? The same applies for milk, sugar, napkins, and tiny wooden sticks. (They hate me at Starbucks). Kleenex? Just expensive toilet paper. No need to buy both, end of story. (Note: This only works one way). And can we get over this “organic” phase already? You’re basically just paying more for your lettuce to get to you unwashed and full of dead and living spiders.

See, No More Money from Mommy? It’s actually pretty easy to live on your own, when you do a little bit of thinking outside the box. Oh that reminds me, I forgot one: living in a box, and renting out your home as a hostel. Not many think about it, but it can be a lifesaver when you find yourself running low on dinero at the end of the month.

Fiscally yours,

Dr. Duh

 

By Kelli Gustafson

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