By Harleen Khangura
Photos by Vaikunthe Banerjee
Are we meant to be monogamous?
“Men are hardwired to propagate with as many people as possible.”
This is one of the enlightening remarks of a man on the new show, The Mistress, who was asked the question: “Are men monogamous?”
Others answered that it’s “biological” or “part of [men’s] animalistic nature” to be polygamous. These comments, given in the “What men think” section of the show, help paint the picture of men’s outlook towards extramarital affairs, and it appears that these particular men are not against the idea of having them.
However, not all men agree that cheating is part of their genetic makeup. Shaun, an SFU student, says that both men and women are equally inclined to cheat. He believes infidelity to be a gendered phenomenon: while women are vilified for it, men’s adultery is often ignored and somewhat tolerated. It is this type of double standard that often contributes to the prevailing belief that it is normal for men to cheat. Natasha Patterson, a PhD candidate of SFU’s Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies program, is currently researching the relationships between gender, film, and television. She gives a recent example of a double standard: the cheating scandal of Kristen Stewart and director Rupert Sanders. “For weeks after, [Kristen’s] face was emblazoned on the front cover of every celebrity gossip rag,” says Patterson. “Twilight fans crucified her, demanding that [Robert] Pattinson not take her back. Where was this criticism towards Sanders?”
The Mistress, on the other hand, sheds light on the lives of mistresses who are often condemned or chastised for being “home-wreckers.” Considering the social stigma of being “the other woman,” it seems extraordinarily daring for these women to expose their infidelity on national television. Patterson explains that there are several reasons for the mistresses to choose reality television as a medium to disclose their realities. “They want to share their stories with other women in the hopes that they do not make the same mistakes,” says Patterson. In the case of The Mistress, it is the reformatory aspect — makeover from a bad girl to a good girl — that makes the show especially appealing to audiences. “Indeed, this ‘redemption’ aspect of the show is a key feature in what would make their admission of adultery more palatable to a presumably female audience,” Patterson explains.
Moreover, many of the show’s episodes are cast and shot in Vancouver, a reality check that our city is swarming with adulterers. Sarah J. Symonds is the host of The Mistress and writer of a self-help handbook for mistresses, Having an affair?: A handbook for the Other Woman. Symonds believes that the social, cultural, and geographical framework of Vancouver makes the city especially prone to adultery. Huffington Post Canada recently rated neighbourhoods like Kitsilano, Surrey, and Yaletown as breeding grounds for cheaters in Vancouver. “Vancouver is a real hot-bed of infidelity,” says Symonds. “[The city] is often polled as one of the top cities in the world to live in, so where there is that success, there is also the potential for cheating. Too many people with too many options at hand.”
“A bit like LA, I find here [on the West Coast] people are always looking for the bigger, better deal, the better offer, the better partner,” Symonds elaborates. “[The affair provides] the chance of something ‘better’ or ‘more exciting’ than the life that you have.”
Ironically, recent studies show that Vancouver is severely lacking in the dating scene, but the fact that the city is rife with cheaters is a definite shocker. I interviewed several SFU students to see whether people are really hankering to find a bigger, better deal. Most of the students interviewed are strongly against the idea of being unfaithful to their partner. “When I’m with someone, I’d be faithful to them. If I don’t want to be with them, then I’ll tell them so,” says Courtney Morrison. Another SFU student, Maria Ganger believes that having two relationships at the same time would unnecessarily complicate life. “Having to keep track of two people at the same time is so hard,” she says.
However, social and cultural norms continue to dictate against sexual transgressions and support monogamous relationships. As a result, there is no black and white answer regarding the appeal of infidelity. It is easy to judge from a distance, but the reality is that it is difficult to foresee whether one would cheat in a situation. “When you talk about it, you may say ‘no’ now, but when you are in the situation, it’s different,” says SFU student, Kei Kei Lau. “Your emotions are heightened, which may change your mind-set.” But is it ever acceptable to cheat? Shaun believes that cheating could only be justified if one is in a short-term or casual relationship, in which both individuals are possibly dating other people.
Regardless of the conflicting perspectives of cheating, it is evident that the number of adulterers is increasing at an alarming rate. Many television shows, movies, and music videos frequently portray promiscuity, often making it seem normal — even fashionable — to have multiple sexual partners. Could it be that television and contemporary culture are inspiring an increase in infidelity?
“Television and society no longer support marriage,” states Symonds. Her show attempts to unveil the pitfalls of cheating and offers an antidote to the growing reservations towards marriage and fidelity. “The good thing about The Mistress is that it is not glamourizing infidelity at all; quite the opposite. It is simply lifting the lid — the veil of secrecy — on what goes on in these toxic situations.”
Conversely, Patterson does not believe that there is a definite cause-and-effect relationship between infidelity and television. “Pop culture may shape our thoughts and actions to some extent but it also reflects what is already happening in society in that moment,” she explains. “Infidelity precedes film and television.” She agrees that shows like The Mistress can help educate the audience by offering them “a way to engage with ideas about monogamy, marriage, and infidelity.”
Shows like The Mistress may also help reduce the misconceptions around the “other women,” who are perceived as selling themselves for money and other perquisites from the married men. Many men on the show do, in fact, shower their mistresses with gifts (including expensive necklaces and diamond earrings) and compliments to compensate the women for agreeing to the casual arrangement. However, Symonds explains that the comparison between mistresses and prostitutes or sugar babies is wrongly placed. “If you watch The Mistress, you will see that these women I am working with are far from ‘kept woman,’ ” she explains. “Most of them are struggling single mothers, running two jobs.”
Furthermore, the show exposes the destructive or abusive relationships that the mistresses struggle with. They suffer from low self-esteem, and continue to be manipulated by married men who promise to divorce their wives. Symonds’s goal, however, is not to reveal the realities of the cheating husbands to the oblivious wives, but to empower and educate women. “As women, we deserve better,” Symonds says of the show’s message. “We deserve to put ourselves first in a relationship. Never settle for the crumbs of someone’s time, or to being second best. Also, as a wife, do not put up with a cheating husband. Life is too short.”
The cheating situation in Vancouver is a complex subject and shows like The Mistress may help to alleviate the stigma attached to mistresses, and brush upon general discussions of sexuality.
