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Science triumphs over bees

Humour
EIC
EIC
2 min.
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Mankind finally defeats the buzzing, honey producing menace.  Moths next say scientists

By Andrew McLachlan
No, not the bees! Not the bees!!!

 

Scientists are celebrating today as, for the first time, the number of bee hives across North America plummets below sustainable levels. Initially noticed in the late 1990s and early 2000s, killer bees became a threat to human development, haphazardly stinging rambunctious children and double-dog-daring teens alike. The africanized killer bee, named by a failed grade 11 geography student, spread from South America. The honey-laden horde horrified homeowners as they hunkered down in hedges and holes nearby. The bees advanced like lightning-fast molasses, reaching south Texas, central Texas, and finally northern Texas in a span of only 12 years.

The onslaught of mis’bee’having insects posed a significant risk to human civilization by disrupting regular TV watching with programs such as 2002’s When Killer Bees Attack. People also fearedthat they may soon need to start respecting the natural world. Since the arrival of the africanized bees, an astonishing two people have died, most famously Greg “Bee Beard” Nielson, who was stung to death after voluntarily putting a reported 4,500 bees onto his face and chest during a failed publicity stunt for Sweetheart Honey Company.

[pullquote]The bees advanced like lightning-fast molasses, reaching south Texas, central Texas, and finally northern Texas in a span of only 12 years.[/pullquote]

Knowing that bees communicate through dance, scientists circulated conflicting dance techniques by way of early 2000s dance sensation Jamiriquai, in an attempt to reduce hive populations. Unfortunately, these dances did not infiltrate the bee communities as predicted. Jamiriquai then became widely recognized for supplying the music “Canned Heat” to the cult classic Napoleon Dynamite and soon after abandoned the bee project altogether.

Scientists quickly began advancing cell phone technology with “Plan Bee”, in order to disrupt the bees’ communication with each other. Side effects of Plan Bee have included the Android and iPhone. Since the distribution of cell phones to nearly every man, woman and child throughout North America, bee populations have significantly decreased. The scientific community warns that there may be a period of zero pollination by bees that would result in little to no produce or food for humans. This may last months or even years, eventually leading to massive death tolls throughout North America. The manual pollination of all vegetation for the next few years is a welcome alternative to starvation for those who fear being stung by the insects.

 

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society