The exhibit will also features a pre-recorded audio tour by Alfonso Ribeiro

WEST PHILADELPHIA — The who’s who of the Philadelphia upper class were out in droves last week at a star-studded gala for the grand opening of the newest exhibit at the state’s highly prestigious Will Smithsonian Institute.

The exhibit, now open after two years of preparation, exhaustively details Will Smith’s lifetime of work on television and the silver screen and features the original vinyl pressings of his first album Rock the House featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff as well as boasts an interactive replica of the living room set from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air complete with animatronic Uncle Phil.

Doug Higgins, chief curator of the exhibit, proudly cut the ribbon last night officially opening it to the public. After a night of guiding crowds through halls lined with movie paraphernalia, Higgins sat down with The Peak to discuss the Institute’s crowning achievement
“An award-winning rap artist, actor, and philanthropist, Mr. Smith is the modern Renaissance man. At the Will Smithsonian, we seek only to preserve his legacy so that future generations might enjoy it. In his many roles Mr. Smith shows us the limitless potential within each of us, showing us that we can accomplish anything, whether it’s defeating a robot uprising, defeating an alien invasion, or finding a woman who is sexually attracted to Kevin James.”

“As the saying goes, ‘where’s there’s a Will, there’s a way.’ ” These words are also inscribed upon base plate in the museum’s centre atrium. On top of the plate stands a 25-foot tall limestone statue of Smith to greet museum patrons.

Recently, the exhibit has drawn comparisons to the Guggenheim’s now year-old installation “Williard,” which also documents the career of the 44-year-old actor and rap artist.

“I suppose our exhibit is comparable to theirs, in the same way a flea-market VHS rip of Bad Boys II is comparable to the original unedited negatives. Which, incidentally, are on display in gallery 2B.”
Pausing to clean his glasses, Higgins continued. “My point is that in their hubris to beat us to launch, the Guggenheim let some truly egregious errors slip past what they call a historical accuracy society. For example, and this one always makes me laugh, smack dab in the middle of their hall of wax crew members, they have a wax Michael C. Casper, who was the additional sound rerecording mixer hired on for Independence Day. But he’s credited as Michael Chandler, the movie’s sound editor.

“The Will Smithsonian exhibit is free of such inaccuracies, which I have personally ensured. It has been my life’s work ever since I was an archivist working in the basement, carefully cataloguing the 270 suits worn by Smith in Men in Black by order of chronological appearance in film. ”

When The Peak approached Will Smith for a statement regarding the exhibition, his agent told the institute that Mr. Smith found exhibition to be “a’ight.” Higgins remains unresponsive in the ICU Mercy Fitzgerald Hospital, the first medically recorded case of a person rendered comatose from “happyness.”

In an increasingly common display of the unholy nature of science and logic, blasphemous scientists at the Vancouver Genomics center successfully created the first transspecies artificial zygotes last month, using a combination of DNA from an American blue hare and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The rabbit embryos were obtained from biological supply company Sigma- Aldrich, and the messianic DNA from swabs taken from the Shroud of Turin for “authenticity tests.”

Growing rapidly, each engineered rabbit this way displays a variety of messianic phenotypes, including growing a fantastic beard and develops the abilities to hop on water and cure the myxomatosis from just a touch of the paw.

The project’s chief researcher Johan Flemming debuted one of the newly created Messia-hares at the TED Northwest. “It’s actually quite the logical conundrum, the creatures themselves are definite proof a Christian theological entity. But from all available literature, we should have been turned into pillars of salt or struck down long before we got to this point.”

When asked by a member of the audience what commercial applications there were for magical rabbits, Flemming responded, “We are currently working on non-pulling-out-of-a-hat based uses, but preliminary research has indicated that they are delicious in stew. ”

The best new reality show to come out of a typo since The Amazing Mace

By Gary Lim

Watch out Canada; primetime TV will never be the same again with the debut of Project Runaway, the newest addition to Slice TV ’s programming roster. Coming this May, Project Runaway Canada is just the latest in a series of increasingly similar reality TV competitions.

Project Runaway will feature some of the most upand-coming young designers in Canada as well as some of the most downtrodden and desperate people trying to escape their lives. The format of the show is nearly identical to Slice smash-hit Project Runway Canada, with the twist that each designer will be paired with a runaway throughout.

Critics are coming out of VIP pre-screenings of the new show in droves to sing its praises, calling the show “witty,” “provocative,” and a “treatise on the inherent evil that lurks within the hearts of man.” Critics will reveal little more, but do tease that fan favorites appear as early as the first episode, which pairs Trey, owner of popular Yonge street boutique theFRAME, and Soon-Yuk, a once-colonel and now-defector of the North Korean army.

The show’s producers, Sheila Turner and Antony Mattia spoke to The Peak about the format of the new show.

“We are anticipating big things for Project Runaway,” said Turner. “It’s only a slightly different from Project Runway, but these small changes will lead to huge consequences. How do you get some runaway ready when they won’t stop crying, and what do you do when your runaway has chewed through their ankle tether and disappeared into the night? Find out in season one!”

Mattia expanded on the diversity of contestants on the show. “We have designers ranging Vancouver to St. Johns, each with their own unique styles and quirks, and a variety of runaways: two people suffering mid-life crises, an entire family in witness protection, and an honest-to-goodness teenage runaway. So you can expect to see some drama.”
Turner and Mattia also described the higher stakes of the spin-off. “Not only will our designers be playing for
$150,000 and a 2014 Mazda6, but a chance to design their own clothing line to be sold at HBC stores across the country. Similarly the runaways will be playing for new identity in a little Mexican coastal town, and each week losers will be turned over the appropriate authorities/crime families. So you know they’re in it to win it (laughs).”

On the coattails of this news, FOX Broadcasting announced plans for Deaf Chefs, a new reality TV show which features Chef Gordon Ramsay yelling at chefs who previously lost their hearing after working on other Gordon Ramsay reality TV programs.

Over 20,000 images of horrific Julia Child sex acts discovered in raid

By Gary Lim

EDMONTON — Edmonton Mounties made a massive breakthrough yesterday after a yearlong sting operation culminated in the arrest of several distributors within a known Julia Child pornography ring.

Among the arrests, an Edmonton man, Jeffery Daniels, 46, was placed into police custody after an anonymous tip resulted in the confiscation of three 1TB hard drives, each containing thousands of images and video files depicting Julia Child sex acts.

The three seized drives — which stored films including “The Art of Fine French Fucking” and “Le Cordon Blow Me”, as well as hundreds of sexually explicit images depicting the women dressed up as 1970s television chef Julia Child — will serve as evidence when Daniels stands trial in front of the Crown to be held in May. Constable of the Edmonton RCMP Claire Atwal calls the bust a victory for the rights of Julia Child fans everywhere.

“People who find enjoyment in the viewing of Julia Child pornography are often involved in online groups where members exchange pornographic images of the Peabody Award-winning author with one another. Shutting down one of these distribution hubs goes a long way toward ending the suffering of women aged 18–94 whose lifestyle involves dressing up as the award winning cordon bleu chef everyday.”

This bust follows March 14’s gut-wrenching discovery of dozens of Julia Child impersonators and impressionists locked in a barn cellar in Ft. McMurray. The women had reportedly been locked down there for weeks and were forced by their captors to act out all 76 episodes of The French Chef; some were forced to prepare upwards of three duck confit daily.

Jong Un stands tall on crumpled enemy forces; actually a pile of legos

By Gary Lim

PYONGYANG — Several waves of Taepodong-3 missiles launched from silos at the Tonghae satellite launching site annihilated major South Korean military and civilian targets late last Sunday, as imagined by North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Gripping a cardboard tube with the words Tapodog[sic]-3 scrawled along the side in blue ballpoint pen, the supreme leader repeatedly blew up the cities of Sejong and Munsan, utterly devastating the enormous metropolises as indicated by Jong-Un’s cries of “Kapow!” and “Kabloosh!”
The missile’s payloads of chemical and biowarfare agents, indicated in lime green marker, proved effective in limiting the southern nation’s response capability. In the meantime, North Korean forces rallied at the border ready for full blown invasion, as Jong mUn emptied out a plastic Ziploc baggie filled with toy soldiers onto his desk.

The two-and-a-half inch tall battalion of over four dozen of the same injection-molded plastic army men quickly overtook the entire nation, seizing key strategic points of the desk lamp, stapler and pencil sharpener.

The unrelenting march of North Korean forces only paused momentarily when, after running around the room three times, the out-of-breath supreme leader of North Korea paused to eat the peanut butter and jelly sandwich left out for him by minister of the People’s Armed Forces, Kim Kyok sik.

The South Korean army appeared to be turning the tide, recapturing the capital city of Seoul and erecting blockades made from lego blocks and Popsicle sticks, hoping to delay their defeat.

That hope was dashed when Jong Un himself made an impressive appearance on the battlefield, represented by an action figure of Optimus Prime from popular children’s television franchise Transformers. Jong Un heroically destroyed the barricades by firing his arm-mounted laser blaster and flying into the fortress head first several times.
Victory for the forces of the supreme leader were nearly assured when stealth jets of the treacherous West, which Jong Un had carefully folded out of heavy paper stock, appeared off the horizon, hoping to catch the courageous North Korean forces off-guard.

But it was the Americans who were caught unaware, neglecting to take into account Jong Un’s invisible forcefield that stops all guns. Their underhanded sneak attack resulting in the crumpling of the entire fleet into a large ball.

In retribution for the attack, the 700 ft tall robotic Kim Jong-Un took hold of both American and South Korean Presidents Barack Obama and Park GeunHye, who were suddenly on the battlefield. Both were made to swear fealty to North Korea, which they hastily agreed to.
The war was over, the mantle of victory squarely on the shoulders of Jong Un, when all of a sudden aliens appeared, intent on stealing North Korea’s bountiful resourc— The intense scene came to an end when a knocking and voice from other side of his bedroom door informed him of his daily military strategy meeting.

A visibly annoyed Jong Un hastily brushed the action figures into a grocery bag and stuffed them under his bed. He then left to meet with top generals and discuss the logistics of the latest long-range missile tests.

President assures nation he knows what it’s like to be young; who the man is

By Gary Lim

ALEPPO — In a brief peace between mor tar str ikes on the nation’s largest city, Syrian president Bashir al-Assad made a televised statement last week expressed that he had hoped that the people of Syria would’ve grown out of this phase by this age.

He also expressed remorse for allowing the Syrian people to have fallen into a bad crowd of western European countries, calling it one of his great failures as a president for life. He also said that he knew the civilian population had been experimenting with democracy, and he had found the voting papers, but added that he was not mad at them for it, only disappointed.

Wistfully holding a well-worn photo of the crowds at his inauguration parade in 2000, al-Assad continued, “Look at how we used to be. Why, I remember I’d barely be one foot in and my network of informants and secret police would come rushing to door, to tell me all about what you’d done that day.You know, King Abdullah had a similar problem with the Saudis, it was like they saw the Egyptian protests on TV and suddenly it was cool and hip to demand representation in the government. But eventually they got tired of the political reform act (as well as of the beatings) and things went back to normal. I just want things to go back to normal.”

The Peak’s Syrian sister paper, The Phiek, was able to contract Moaz al-Khatib, president of the National Coalition for Opposition Forces, arranging a meeting at the local bazaar’s food court in front of the Hot Topic.

Clad in heavy eye makeup and talking over a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, alKhativ spoke of the injustices perpetrated by the Syrian government. “Al-assad has no idea what it’s like to be a Syrian citizen. Like, did you know he imposed a curfew under martial law last week? A curfew? It’s like he doesn’t know that nothing even happens in this stupid city until 10:00. Ugh.”

When asked if al-Assads remorseful broadcast had changed opinions within the rebellion. He said, “This is so like him, he’s freakin’ bipolar man. One minute he’s playing up the warm and caring dictator bit, and the next minute he’s flooding the ghettos with sarin gas. I swear, once we get our independence, we are so moving out into our own country. He just doesn’t get it. ”

At press time, when he thought no one was looking, al-Khatib pulled out his wallet to look at the same heavily worn photograph, and smiled fondly.