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Syrian president hopes that the country’s rebelliousness is just a phase

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President assures nation he knows what it’s like to be young; who the man is

By Gary Lim

ALEPPO — In a brief peace between mor tar str ikes on the nation’s largest city, Syrian president Bashir al-Assad made a televised statement last week expressed that he had hoped that the people of Syria would’ve grown out of this phase by this age.

He also expressed remorse for allowing the Syrian people to have fallen into a bad crowd of western European countries, calling it one of his great failures as a president for life. He also said that he knew the civilian population had been experimenting with democracy, and he had found the voting papers, but added that he was not mad at them for it, only disappointed.

Wistfully holding a well-worn photo of the crowds at his inauguration parade in 2000, al-Assad continued, “Look at how we used to be. Why, I remember I’d barely be one foot in and my network of informants and secret police would come rushing to door, to tell me all about what you’d done that day.You know, King Abdullah had a similar problem with the Saudis, it was like they saw the Egyptian protests on TV and suddenly it was cool and hip to demand representation in the government. But eventually they got tired of the political reform act (as well as of the beatings) and things went back to normal. I just want things to go back to normal.”

The Peak’s Syrian sister paper, The Phiek, was able to contract Moaz al-Khatib, president of the National Coalition for Opposition Forces, arranging a meeting at the local bazaar’s food court in front of the Hot Topic.

Clad in heavy eye makeup and talking over a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, alKhativ spoke of the injustices perpetrated by the Syrian government. “Al-assad has no idea what it’s like to be a Syrian citizen. Like, did you know he imposed a curfew under martial law last week? A curfew? It’s like he doesn’t know that nothing even happens in this stupid city until 10:00. Ugh.”

When asked if al-Assads remorseful broadcast had changed opinions within the rebellion. He said, “This is so like him, he’s freakin’ bipolar man. One minute he’s playing up the warm and caring dictator bit, and the next minute he’s flooding the ghettos with sarin gas. I swear, once we get our independence, we are so moving out into our own country. He just doesn’t get it. ”

At press time, when he thought no one was looking, al-Khatib pulled out his wallet to look at the same heavily worn photograph, and smiled fondly.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society