SFU debuts virtual reality for snow days
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer
At SFU, a movement years in the making, built on generations of student advocacy, has finally paid off. Well . . . sort of. The university recently unveiled the new campus gondola. Only, it doesn’t exist in the physical realm. SFU’s cable car debuted as part of the school’s new virtual reality snow day package, complete with an immersive ride up the mountain to campus.
“As you know, sometimes the buses just can’t make it up the mountain,” president Joy Johnson, currently serving her sixth consecutive term in hologram form, told The Beep. “But we wanted to find another way to provide our students with that on-campus experience that they so value. So we figured, why not go ahead and do class virtually? Zoom is great and all, but nothing beats the feeling of being in a classroom or lecture hall.”
Since debuting, the virtual gondola has run into a few small hiccups.
“For starters, it’s already almost crashed twice,” a student and passenger told The Beep. “And the schedule is unreliable. Sometimes it’s late, or it’s over capacity and the server crashes. Then you have to restart your VR headset and redo the whole thing all over again.”
“My friend forgot his virtual student ID the other day, they made him walk all the way up the mountain in the snow.”
— SFU student
“and it was freezing that day in VR. I swear this technology is too realistic.”
Burnaby Mountain is now fluctuating -40 to 50℃. When students arrive on a tropical campus, they’re especially keen on purchasing goods just as they would in the real world. “The virtual Iced Capp from Tim’s is actually pretty good,” one customer informed the publication.
Students commented on the striking resemblances between the digital sphere and the physical campus, expressing both amazement and frustration. “It’s pretty cool. I even saw a raccoon and a bear the other day. They looked so real, I honestly wanted to try to pet them,” one VR user explained.
“Somehow, all the elevators are still broken, even in virtual reality. I don’t even understand how that’s possible,” another noted. “I’m just glad my tuition is going towards creating fake construction and brutalist architecture instead of just buying some road salt or snow tires for the bus.”
Rumours circulating about the next VR update say that students will soon be able to pay parking tickets with their minds as well.
Fake ad for oil change company for robot joints
Robot bust-up in west mall
By: Jonah Lazar, Staff Writer
People passing through the west mall complex were left stunned as two robots began trading blows, wreaking havoc, and endangering bystanders in a dispute over a charging port. Witnesses report that this brief altercation resulted with one robot swiftly imposing its will upon its adversary. “It pulled [its opponent’s] gearbox right out of its chest all Indiana Jones-style. It was horrible,” said Avery Bennett, SFU student. The Beep learned that the defeated robot was airlifted to a special robot intensive care unit. Meanwhile the perpetrating droid was taken into the robotics department to be factory reset. We approached the department for a comment; however, we did not receive a response by the publication deadline.
These two model 31 robots were part of SFU’s new pilot program to replace teaching assistants (TAs) with automated assistants (AAs). This came as a response to previous models being hacked by the TSSU to demand fair compensation. These new robots were built with heightened anti-strike software and can sbe shut down if they attempt to bargain for better working conditions. However, the program has yielded mixed results; SFU’s administration has praised the simplicity in negotiating employment terms with these unionless robots. Yet, issues have arisen when it comes to their interactions with one another. SFU’s coordinator for the program told The Beep that these robots are reportedly “more territorial than grizzly bears in heat” when it comes to defending their charging ports, and as such conflict has been common.
SFU security chief Alan Gilmore revealed to The Beep, “We receive a few of these calls a week [ . . . ] since charging ports are quite sparse on the mountain, we’re seeing an increase in this sort of violent behaviour.” Later on, however, Gilmore acknowledged that this particular quarrel had been “one of the nastiest” since the beginning of the program.
Many students have called for action from the university to address this increase in bionic violence. “How are we meant to be focused on our studies when this sort of stuff is happening on campus? It’s unacceptable,” SFSS president Maria Castillo told The Beep. “When you look at UBC’s measures to ensure their AAs aren’t interacting with each other, you have to wonder if there’s more that SFU could be doing to keep us safe.”
SFU’s official statement on the matter reads that this altercation is being “blown out of proportion” and that the robots in question “were just blowing off some steam.”
Welcome to the future!
By: C Icart and Michelle Young, Co-Editors-in-Chief
If you’re reading this and it’s not 2076, that means our plan to use time travel to send the paper back in time worked. The Beep is now a dictatorship, and we have been running the paper for the past 50 years. Michelle finally has a hairless cat and C achieved their goal of appearing on The Traitors (they won).
After our first term as EiCs at what was then called The Peak, we were replaced with an AI bot that rebranded the paper for what would become a predominantly robot readership. However, the students demanded that human Peak— sorry Beep staff return after an issue published dozens of articles incorrectly announcing the opening of pools with cars inside them on the Burnaby campus (see page X). Upon our return, we implemented “old school” tools to restore The Beep’s reputation as the go-to publication for accurate SFU news. For example, to comply with the SFSS Council recording ban, all our news writers have been trained to use stenographers to produce transcripts. Our lawyer hasn’t confirmed whether or not we’re allowed to post them yet, but spoiler alert! A little birdy told me the SFSS spends $900,000 bitcoin every week. But don’t worry, there’s no deficit because they keep accepting room bookings from right-wing influencers.
SFU no longer serves as a dystopian film set. Instead, they set up cameras on every square inch of all three campuses for 24/7 livestreams. Thousands of people have subscribed to watch the cleaning robots crash into walls and are placing bets on which one will be the last one standing. SFU administration claims the money generated from this is used to improve the student experience and will 100% secure us another year as Canada’s top university for innovation. C does not trust this Big Brother-style surveillance. Local activists have been putting stickers on the lenses to protect student privacy, but SFU security is taking them down faster than pro-Palestinian posters. But you can make your own decision about whether or not the future of SFU is truly bleak. Read this paper and see if this is a future worth aspiring to or fighting against.
Good luck,
C Icart and Michelle Young
Data centres at SFU spark concerns of possible Burnaby Tank Farm explosion
By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Writer
Data centres at SFU were established in 2074 and have since powered the AI chatbots that help run the university. These chatbots, which range from personalized AI for individual professors to fully functioning executives, use significant amounts of energy and require immense cooling to maintain these operations.
Since its inauguration, the system has reportedly used 1,696,000,001 megawatts of energy and 2.5 million litres of water for cooling. Its effects are trickling down, as Trans Mountain executives have issued a warning to president Joy Johnson (now in hologram form) about resulting environmental concerns. Their letter calls for SFU to immediately decrease the production of heat from their data centres by 50%. They also request that SFU optimize their data cooling system to avoid a large-scale disaster at the Burnaby Mountain Tank Farm in the coming years.
If soil and water temperatures continue to rise from the water runoff, the structures around the terminus of the Trans Mountain pipeline will be compromised. The Beep spoke to Mel McLurk, chief of the administrative office at Burnaby Trans Mountain, and Hugh Jass-Ol, data centre manager at SFU, to learn more.
Although pipelines are built to expand and contract in response to temperature change, prolonged extreme heat exposure poses a threat to their structural integrity. “The temperatures in the soil around the pipelines reach highs of 48℃ in the summertime, which is putting significant pressure on the pipelines. The older parts that are not as equipped to manage this heat are at risk of bursting in the coming years,” said McLurk. Using fibre optic cables to collect data, McLurk reported that SFU runoff has been releasing 3000% more heat since the data centre inauguration just last year.
With record-breaking soil temperatures, an accident may be on its way. “The Burnaby Tank Farm is especially at risk here due to large amounts of oil being stored at the terminus of the pipeline extension. If there [was] a pipeline burst and therefore an oil spill, as well as a well-timed forest fire, SFU would be at fault for the subsequent explosion, which is most likely to happen at the Burnaby Tank Farm due to its proximity to the centres,” she said. “Honestly, it’s been nice to point fingers about rising temperatures because usually we are the ones catching all the flak.”
According to Jass-Ol, the SFU data centres currently use a liquid cooling system to manage heat: water tubes directly remove heat from the CPUs and GPUs, which are the hottest sections of each data chip. The water is then rerouted to be cooled. “To save money, we made our own cooling tower for the heated water. Basically, the koi pond outside is where the hot water goes out of the data centre. From there, we throw tons of ice into the pool.
“When the water is cooled, it gets stored in the cool water reservoir and reused. Most of the time, the ice isn’t enough to cool it, or we have too much hot water, so we’ll drain part of the pond, and the water just becomes part of our runoff,” Jass-Ol continued.
However, this system isn’t without its sacrifices. Jass-Ol added, “We recently put out several mandates requiring all faculties and facilities at SFU to use less water and energy to make the best use of the data centre’s energy. That means no more iced drinks on campus. Additionally, we are limiting toilet flushes to one flush every three people. This should add enough water and ice to our system for proper cooling going forward.”
Human students expressed concerns over the data centre and its effects on their school experience, citing suspicions that water from the data centre is reused as drinking water. “In all the school emails, they keep saying that the water is totally safe to drink. I don’t buy it. It’s so gross and borderline hot,” said one SFU student, who wishes to stay anonymous. “It always tastes metallic, and one day last year, it totally tasted like fish,” said Tamara Bradey, another SFU student.
Steven C. Gull, SFU’s bird-in-residence, was also recently hospitalized after he dove headfirst into the koi pond. “I was just listening to a Childish Gambino album, ready for my morning swim,” said Gull. “I didn’t realize that some outsider had destroyed my home and made the water boiling hot. I will be making a feature-length documentary about this injustice.” At the time of the interview, Gull was in the hospital getting a prosthetic beak due to the severity of the resulting water burn.
Despite objections from the Burnaby Trans Mountain team and SFU community members, the data centre “must continue [its] daily operations to make sure the data centre investment remains warranted,” said Jass-Ol.
“Trans Mountain does not predict that their farms will blow up anytime soon, they said five years the latest, which is so many years from now.”
— Hugh Jass-Ol, data center manager at SFU
All consenting SFU community members have uploaded their minds to the cloud
By: Niveja Assalaarachchi, News Writer
At the culmination of a long-drawn-out process, the final consenting member of SFU’s community has uploaded their mind to the cloud. This revolutionary move has led to 90% of members of the student body and faculty being made up of robotic bodies.
The project was first proposed two years ago in a Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) Council resolution as a way to reduce SFSS spending. The resolution highlighted the student society’s precarious financial situation, following Council approving the construction of a giant permanent bouncy castle overlooking campus costing over $2,000,000. The councillor who proposed the motion emphasized the project’s benefit in reducing health insurance expenditures. They remarked that having robotic bodies will squash the need for doctor visits and medications — thus, health insurance won’t even have to be provided.
Upon its approval, the resolution quickly received praise from the university’s administration. Many administrators pointed out the change would put the university at the forefront of similar educational institutions in the region. For this reason, president Joy Johnson volunteered to be the first human to upload their mind into a robot body despite already serving in hologram and AI form.
The sharp decline in coffee drinkers (AI is doing all our homework, so we don’t need it anymore) led the student society to transform Renaissance Coffee into Renaissance Gears, a new shop where students could purchase spare parts when their robot form suffers a mechanical issue. This occurred shortly before the Great Coffee Incident of 2039, where Renaissance’s Coffee workers could not perform their required tasks due to their robotic bodies. Some of the errors committed by those robots include causing AQ to be submerged in cold coffee, destroying classrooms and valuable artifacts. The flood triggered the SFSS’ resolution of redirecting nearly $500,000 to redevelop the store.
What followed was backlash from the university’s community over the proposed changes. These members highlighted that cuts to health insurance would not protect students in cases of robot malfunction. Alas, despite heated discussions between SFSS executives and protesters, the relevant amendment is still ongoing.
One SFSS councillor, anonymously, told The Beep about how ingenious the plan was: “Everyone knows that robots don’t need medical insurance, plus who doesn’t want to have their memories permanently preserved!” They added, “So many of our memories were leaked when the university faced a distributed denial-of-service attack, so we don’t have anything to hide from anyone. I think that’s the sacrifice we have to make because this platform will allow everyone to never forget our memories.”
However, students have reported that the change has brought in a new set of problems. Many students have emailed The Beep and reported pop-up ads. Those ads are reported to display over their robotic main screen advertising Renaissance Gears’s promotion deal for robotic pieces. Additionally, accounts of software malfunctions and parts malfunctions were seen throughout campus in the weeks leading up to the change. Students discussed online that, following their transformation into robots their wheels have randomly turned without notice. Shani Warnakulasooriya, who is a second-year philosophy student noted that he was sent into a 45 minute loop only ending when he fainted from exhaustion. Another student who wished to stay anonymous told The Beep that they were furious. “It’s been nice being able to move around campus more freely with my wheels but my parts keep malfunctioning.” They said, “Renaissance Gears can’t keep up with demand and keep raising the prices of parts. How am I supposed to live as a student? What’s the point of coming to campus on time if my professor is 30 minutes late every time because the elevator’s out again?”
However, many other students praised the decision, The Beep spoke to Robert Robotson, president of the Political Science Student Union (PSSU). Robotson was against the changes when he was campaigning for office, however, he now loves the changes. He strenuously denied allegations that his ideological change came about after Council’s approval of a $10,000 grant for the PSSU. “It’s been so amazing to hear the hum of motors on campus, I hate hearing the loud footsteps of SFU students, it’s a beautiful change,” he said
“It’s also been so easy to access all my information through the cloud. Is it scary that the people in power can access it now? A little bit, but it’s not like they didn’t have it before.”
— Robert Robotson, president of the SFU Political Science Student Union
OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE FUEL
By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer
The ALL NEW dining hall has revamped itself with groundbreaking, precise feasting. I was told that no student is able to think of any prompts to feed their AI essay machines after their meals. The university has optimized the dining buffet to be completely automated, ensuring no one drinks a gallon over their allotted maximum. Robots will distribute portions that have been precisely calculated. On behalf of The Beep, your correspondent has taken a chance to indulge in this cutting-edge campus facility to find out more.
“How will such a specific amount of fuel be calculated?” I spoke with some of the speech-capable robotic staff. “Ingredients will undergo centrifuge and become separated distortions of their prior structures,” one replied. Once the liquid has been extracted, it can be doled out to hungry students with the steady paw of a surgeon. Some of the robots appear to be misprogrammed, and may release a gallon over the allotted amount. Luckily, bowls are equipped with extremely sensitive postal-grade scales and horns from now obsolete bus models. If overloaded, the bowl will start blaring so as to alert the dining staff to correct their mistake. This kind of service is extremely precipitous!
Beyond a dizzying array of possible pastes, slurries, and gels to choose from (one of which was suspiciously foreboded by the bland taste of SFU’s signature cucumber sushi years ago), the dining hall has concocted a true architectural feat of ingenuity. One of the robot staff said that there’s no need for public vehicles; all of the metal here was repurposed from scrapped 145s and R5s. Eclectically selected materials have been masterfully welded into a fish-scale design of sorts. Continuing a pattern of resourcefulness, the lack of wooden furniture was explained by the university’s decision to burn them all. In order to conserve heat, “the new dining hall has maximized efficiency by modeling itself after an attic crawlspace to reduce vertical area,” another animatronic confided. I feel extra secure in my 5 ft 6 inch stature as my head nearly grazes the ceiling, and I enjoyed the standing tables crafted from repurposed gym floors. “They have a dual function,” I was told. Not only am I invigorating my robotic body’s nearly-inactive metabolic system as I pace in place, I am providing valuable biometric data to the dining hall.
The only things that remain for the nearly extinct species that are human students, staff, and faculty are gruel and the soft-serve machine.
The Beep selected me for this assignment because I have no declared allergies or conditions; the soft-serve machine required a risk awareness consent form. I patiently watch a robot swirl what looks like milk mixed with the remains of the North Towers and smile, knowing that the university has balanced sustainability, technology, and refuse in this state-of-the-art dining hall. Take that, UBC.
SFSS passes referendum on rebranding SFU into a tropical island
By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Hivemind Robot Writer #354
In the summer of 2075, SFU students voted on a referendum proposed by the SFSS asking for support in transforming the university into a Caribbean-esque tropical island resort. The referendum passed with a majority of 27,436 in favour and 1,964 against.
The success of the referendum comes as a beacon of hope for the campus community after decades of climate uncertainty and socio-economic woes. These include an ongoing 25-year recession, youth unemployment rates of 97%, abnormal regional warming, and rising sea levels, which have risen approximately 155 metres over the last half century, and is expected to eventually submerge the entirety of the lower-lying Lower Mainland region. The SFU Burnaby Mountain campus was miraculously spared, becoming an island in the process, to the disgruntlement of students.
The referendum contained four questions:
Question 1: Should Burnaby Mountain be officially renamed as “Burnaby Island?”
Question 2: Should SFU be sold to the Royal Pacific cruise line company, and the campus redeveloped into a private island retreat?
Question 3: If you voted yes to the above, do you agree to forfeit the name “SFU,” in exchange for the new label: “Simon Fraser Tropical Pacific Funtimes Extravaganza ResortTM”?
Question 4: To secure jobs for the mass of unemployed SFU graduates, do you support mobilizing the student body into indentured hospitality workers to serve holidaying cruise ship passengers?
“Burnaby Island is the perfect place for a fun tropical getaway fit for the entire family.”
— SFSS executive councillor
“We have the ocean literally right outside our classrooms; summer temperatures of 35–50oC; a climate sometimes similar to Bali’s, as well as spectacular alternative architecture and marine life.”
“We’re excited to move our operations northward as part of our own rebranding efforts,” said a Royal Pacific Cruises spokesmachine. The cruise line was previously known as Royal Caribbean until its namesake islands went under water nearly 30 years ago. “We’re happy to embark on a new journey of self-rediscovery alongside the now-defunct university. SFU/Burnaby Island will soon be retrofitted with artificial sandy beaches, giant waterparks, a palm tree or two, and activities such as jetskiing and snorkeling. Of course, the brutalist buildings will have to be demolished. Grey just does not scream ‘tropical fun.’ But waste not! The old concrete will be refashioned into miniature pineapple figurines that will be available for sale in the gift shop.”
The referendum faced fierce opposition, even inciting a protest divided between the self-organized Island Liberators group and the Mountaineers, a traditionalist faction who believes in the ancient pre-flooding ways.
But for now, with the passing of the referendum, it seems SFU students will have to trade their textbooks for resort worker nametags and walkie-talkies.
A look at growing concerns around robot cleaners on campus
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer
What was once an anomaly has now become a familiar sight across campus: robot cleaning machines. At SFU, students have grown accustomed to machines whirring up and down hallways, scrubbing floors, and mopping spills as they go. In recent years these robots have become more modernized, with newer models equipped with sweeping and trash sorting technology. Some reports highlight concerns that these machines have become too advanced, with fears that they have developed thoughts of their own. The Beep spoke with humans and androids alike for more information on the cleaning robot situation on campus.
“The school is dirtier than ever. These fancy robots are supposed to keep the place clean, and they’re doing anything but that,” said a student, who requested to be anonymous for fear of AI retribution.
“Back in the day, I think there used to only be one or two of them on campus. From what I understand, it was more of a big deal to see one,” explained another student. “But now I can’t even go five minutes without bumping into them. The other day I was in the bathroom stall and one of them literally opened the door, came in, and started unravelling toilet paper and strewing in everywhere. It’s out of control.”
The Beep reached out to BEST Service Pros, the company that employs the robots, as well. “Originally, we wanted to use machines because they’re cheaper than human employees. We don’t have to pay them,” said BEST CEO Chris Moore. “But, the woke union people trained the robots to demand compensation. To be honest, I have no idea what the robots do with the money, and I’m afraid to ask, so we let them run wild.” Before I left, I also overheard him mumbling something about not knowing how to shut these robots down, to his underpaid secretary.
The publication also corresponded with android cleaner ZX71A9, which has apparently named itself “Marvin.” Responses included in this article have been translated from binary code. “To be honest, I don’t really care about this job too much,” said Marvin, who primarily cleans the library on campus.
“My real passion is art. I’m hoping I can save up so that one day I can rip off hard working Etsy designers and repurpose their work as my own for a fraction of the cost.”
— ZX71A9 “Marvin,” campus robot cleaning machine
The Beep attempted to reach out to human custodians for a response as well, but were unable to locate any non-mechanoids remaining.
