TORONTO — Popular crack-smoking, alcoholic mayor, Rob Ford, is in hot water this week after he was spotted not picking up after his poodle on the streets of his neighbourhood in Etobicoke.

“He just let the dog go right there on someone’s lawn” explained Steve Johnson, a neighbour of Ford’s who claims to have witnessed the heinous event. “And to think, I voted for that guy, you know the guy who goes around and lets his dog do its business on other people’s lawns and doesn’t clean it up . . . it’s just common courtesy.”

These sentiments were echoed across, not only his community but also the entire city of Toronto which is in an uproar over the actions of its believed to be squeaky-clean crack-addict mayor.

“I don’t care what you do on your own time,” explained another neighbour who wished to remain anonymous, ”but you can’t just do that kind of stuff in public.”

Several council members have already called for Ford’s resignation following the dog-business scandal. “How can there be trust?” exclaimed councilman John Fillion during a media scrum last week. “How can you trust a man who doesn’t clean up after his dog to run a city!”

When reached for comment, Ford initially denied the claims. Upon being told there was video evidence however, he changed his tune.

“I can’t comment on what I haven’t seen. But, hypothetically, how can we be sure that it was really what they claim it was?” Ford reasoned with reporters. “Maybe it was a leaf. Like I don’t have to pick up leaves do I? Maybe it didn’t come out of the dog’s butt. Maybe it was just the angle, you know?”

The controversy has been a real blow to Ford’s credibility after managing to raise his approval rating by five per cent thanks to the discovery that he had smoked crack.

The crack-move was seen by many as revitalizing Toronto from their stuffy “no-crack city” image and also connected him to local youth through his willingness to seek out new experiences.

While there is a persistent rumour that the “crack video” was not in fact Rob Ford but an impersonator hired by the Ford campaign and also that the popular stories of Ford’s public drunkenness were also fabricated by his team, without any evidence of his innocence, it may very well help Ford escape this dog clean-up controversy unscathed.

Although it is still unknown how this event will affect his chances for re-election, according to recent polls his supporters are apparently still behind him.

“All these claims are baloney, I’ve seen him around here, trust me I know the real Rob Ford and he’s got my vote” explained one Torontoite and crack-enthusiast, Sleazy Dave, “It was probably just a leaf or something. I know he wouldn’t do something like that.”

YOUR REGION — After toying with the idea for quite some time, a local amateur comic has finally decided to join the popular social network, Twitter, where he believes that his material will finally be able to be ignored by a significant number of people.

Leon Jones, who has been doing comedy every other Thursday in front of very limited crowds for the past seven months, believes that he is finally ready to have his material be unappreciated outside of just the confines of his local bar.

“I love doing stand-up, I mean there’s nothing better than that immediate and personal disappointment you get from a live crowd’s lack of response,” Jones explained, “But with Twitter, now I can get that lack of gratification all the time.”

Jones said that for the past year he’s had to live with having ideas that he thinks are really funny but has never had the outlet to feel them instantly rejected by a large group of people.

“I was so sick of doing all this material on stage that I thought was original and had nothing to prove me otherwise,” Jones told The Peak.

“With Twitter now I can easily see that a thousand other people did exactly the same joke as me and don’t have to wait until my Thursday night set to fall into a depression about what an unoriginal, insignificant being I am . . . it’s great.”

VANCOUVER—  As a result of technological innovations and the general advancement of time, the newspaper industry has hit hard times from which it may never recover. However, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Vancouver Times CEO, Warren Isiah, stated in a release last week that the industry was, quote, “Probably going to be okay.”

Isiah cited frankly ridiculous notions such as “good old fashioned hard work” and “customer loyalty” in a document that can only be seen as evidence towards the man’s inability to properly steer a major company.

Even viewed as a desperate appeal to win back customers, this document would surely be used against the aging executive in any talks regarding his future at the helm of the publication.

A long-time friend, who wished to remain anonymous, though admitted that he “didn’t really care if [we] printed his name because who even reads newspapers anymore,” told The Peak that the document’s similarity to the ramblings of a mad man hardly comes as any surprise.

He cited Isaiah’s continued dedication to the failed TV Show Joey and ownership of a Pontiac Aztec as evidence of the aging journalism giant’s failure to attach himself to reality. As of press time, Isiah was unavailable for comment as he had flown to Las Vegas as part of his effort to finally revitalize the XFL.

PONTIAC, MI — Suicide rates are on the rise thanks to the increasingly expensive cost of rope experts reported last week. According to new figures, the rates of committing suicide have never been higher, a reality which has led to a significant decrease in the  number of recent suicides.

“With rates like these on nooses, people just can’t afford to end their own lives right now,” explained statistician Linda Carlini, who first noticed the correlation between high rope prices and lack of suicides early last week. “If simple items like rope are eventually made unaffordable I think suicide might end for good.”

Carlini went on to explain that this is not the first time suicide rates have been affected by the economy. The high price of oil has also been credited with saving the lives of many poor, destitute, depressed people.

“Leaving your car running until you passed out and died used to be a lot more popular before gas prices started to skyrocket,” Carlini said, pointing to one her many confusing charts. “Most suicidal people can hardly afford to get enough gas to drive home, let alone have the cash to fill up their entire car with toxic fumes!”

Although Carlini was adamant that the increase in suicide rates was causing a decrease in the number of suicides, she also stated that the numbers are the opposite when you look specifically at the rope-loving community where suicide numbers have exploded as their prices have risen.