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Suicide rates increase due to super high rope prices

Humour
EIC
EIC
1 min.
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3022

PONTIAC, MI — Suicide rates are on the rise thanks to the increasingly expensive cost of rope experts reported last week. According to new figures, the rates of committing suicide have never been higher, a reality which has led to a significant decrease in the  number of recent suicides.

“With rates like these on nooses, people just can’t afford to end their own lives right now,” explained statistician Linda Carlini, who first noticed the correlation between high rope prices and lack of suicides early last week. “If simple items like rope are eventually made unaffordable I think suicide might end for good.”

Carlini went on to explain that this is not the first time suicide rates have been affected by the economy. The high price of oil has also been credited with saving the lives of many poor, destitute, depressed people.

“Leaving your car running until you passed out and died used to be a lot more popular before gas prices started to skyrocket,” Carlini said, pointing to one her many confusing charts. “Most suicidal people can hardly afford to get enough gas to drive home, let alone have the cash to fill up their entire car with toxic fumes!”

Although Carlini was adamant that the increase in suicide rates was causing a decrease in the number of suicides, she also stated that the numbers are the opposite when you look specifically at the rope-loving community where suicide numbers have exploded as their prices have risen.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society