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Newspaper industry “probably going to be okay” reports newspaper CEO

Humour
Peak Web
Peak Web
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VANCOUVER—  As a result of technological innovations and the general advancement of time, the newspaper industry has hit hard times from which it may never recover. However, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Vancouver Times CEO, Warren Isiah, stated in a release last week that the industry was, quote, “Probably going to be okay.”

Isiah cited frankly ridiculous notions such as “good old fashioned hard work” and “customer loyalty” in a document that can only be seen as evidence towards the man’s inability to properly steer a major company.

Even viewed as a desperate appeal to win back customers, this document would surely be used against the aging executive in any talks regarding his future at the helm of the publication.

A long-time friend, who wished to remain anonymous, though admitted that he “didn’t really care if [we] printed his name because who even reads newspapers anymore,” told The Peak that the document’s similarity to the ramblings of a mad man hardly comes as any surprise.

He cited Isaiah’s continued dedication to the failed TV Show Joey and ownership of a Pontiac Aztec as evidence of the aging journalism giant’s failure to attach himself to reality. As of press time, Isiah was unavailable for comment as he had flown to Las Vegas as part of his effort to finally revitalize the XFL.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society