By: Petra Chase, Editor-in-Chief and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
Do you have the TLC people’s phone number (the network, not the girl group)? I was practicing the Megan Thee Stallion headboard challenge by myself so I’d be ready for Valentine’s Day, and what followed was actually the perfect story to reboot Sex Sent Me to the ER. I hurried to put on lingerie before the paramedics arrived and lied to them and said my sexual partner escaped out the window by scaling down the building like Spider–Man because he was embarrassed by his super strength. So anyways, yeah, do you have the number?
Sincerely,
Forever a hottie
Dear Forever a hottie,
I don’t have their number, but I did research the show’s extensive catalogue. You wouldn’t be the first to get sent to the ER for doing an internet challenge trying to seduce their partner — there have been three separate episodes about elbow dislocations from doing the whip and the nay nay in 2016. Partners sneaking out the window happened in two–thirds of the episodes (source = trust me). Besides, it’s 2025, no one watches TLC anymore. Launch a Substack with a narrative piece about the experience and go all out! Maybe even submit it to a few literary journals. In a few years, they’ll be making the film adaptation called The Sex Injury and you’ll be thanking that headboard challenge for bringing on your big break.
I see your future,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I told my partner I like to be dominated in the bedroom. They seemed really excited by the idea, which was super hot. But then, in the heat of the moment, they made really intense eye contact and threatened to impose a tariff on me (not hot). Should I give them another chance? Maybe next time we don’t use Global News as the “Netflix” before our “chill?”
Best,
Looking for a Canadian lube brand
Dear Looking for a Canadian lube brand,
Who’s buying lube in 2025 when you can get a bottle of maple syrup? It may be a little sticky, but you’re supporting the economy and you’ll always be ready to surprise your partner with pancakes afterwards. To answer your question, the best thing to watch before sexy time is Jeopardy. You can make a game out of taking off a clothing item for each right answer. Not to brag, but I once got completely naked after one round of ocean facts. Let’s just say, my bedside maple syrup was empty at the end of the night.
Supporting the economy and your body,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Just because I know that being sexually inexperienced is nothing to be ashamed of does not mean that I have not been ashamed. But I must speak my truth! I have no idea what any of the sex positions are, not the dog one, not the cowboy one, not the camel sutura one. I just assumed that when I was ready, all that knowledge would just come to me via stork or something. But now I have a hot date with the girl of my dreams, and I told her my favourite position was the reverse toss toss 63 cheese dip corn maze, and she said SHE COULDN’T WAIT TO TRY IT! So um . . . can you help me invent the reverse toss toss 63 cheese dip corn maze?
Erotically,
About to get creative
Dear About to get creative,
I can work with this. Toss toss could refer to playing frisbee, so if you can find a way to get a frisbee involved in foreplay, you should be able to explain that part. Once the frisbee’s out of the way — throw it out the window, I don’t know, who cares? — make eye contact, look at their lips, and lean in and ask if they’re ready to dip their corn in your cheese. Then, crack open a bag of corn chips and cheese dip and say it’s an appetizer. They’ll be on the edge when you finally ask them at double Jeopardy if they’re ready for the main course. Set a timer for 63 seconds and say you need to warm up dinner while you strip, and voila! The maze part is a sophisticated metaphor for how confusing this position is to navigate, yet fulfilling it could be to reach the end. Now, never suggest it again. As for dog position, I believe you’re referring to the hot dawg.
Give me a call so I can teach you real positions,
Peakie
