By: Sarah Sorochuk, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
A couple weeks ago, when I was in bed manifesting that my basement would get flooded soon, an ATMOSPHERIC RIVER was not what I meant. My bestie, who’s been nagging me for months to get tenant insurance, might’ve been on to something . . . How can I avoid similar situations in future manifestations?
Sincerely,
I guess it is possible to be too wet
Dear I guess it is possible to be too wet,
That is truly terrible, and I am so sorry for this soggy situation. Might I suggest starting small when manifesting? Maybe a little trickle or a stream instead of a full-on flood? Don’t forget; specificity is key! I leave you with the wise words of The Pussycat Dolls: “Be careful what you wish for ‘cause you just might get it.”
Desperately,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Brooooooo, forced displacement is wild. I was just out here trying to live my best fishy life, when I noticed a sharp increase in the amount of cars around me (yes, fish know about cars. Ariel mentions them in an unreleased verse of “Part of Your World”). I was like, “Woaahhhh. I think I’m in the streets, homie!” but before my scaly friend could respond, a large hand grabbed him out of the water! How do I navigate this new reality?
Deadass,
The Salmon in The Flooded Streets of Coquitlam
Dear Salmon of Coquitlam,
My guy! That is wild. You’ve had a hectic adventure so far, and I know it is not done yet. You still have so much to do and see, so take this flooding as a sign. A sign from Triton himself that you are meant for much more than others of salmonkind. Use this to your advantage and see all that Ariel has seen! But the best way to navigate this boring and dry situation is to listen to the advice of my other fishy friend, Dory. She has this rather joyful saying, “just keep swimming.”
From your bro,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
People keep sending me links to websites explaining the dangers of floodwater, but I don’t care. If I turn into a teenage mutant ninja turtle because I wanted to do some front crawl in my driveway, so be it. What if THIS is the water that turns the frogs gay? I wouldn’t want to miss out on that! How do I explain to everyone that I don’t care about science and public health?
Swimmingly,
The Maritime Adventurer
Dear Maritime Adventurer,
I totally agree with you that if you want to soak in the floodwater, you must deal with the consequences of your actions. Haven’t you heard? The votes have been counted and re-counted and British Columbians decided that right-wing conspiracy theories are simply not the vibe. Don’t listen to everything everyone tells you (except me because I’m usually right and like that’s the whole point of an advice column). Considering that it would be pretty bad for me if you sent me another message stating that something bad happened to you, I’ll just be straight up. Get out of the yucky water; the viral video is not worth the tetanus. As for stating that you don’t care about science and public health . . . maybe keep that to yourself.
Sincerely,
Peakie
