Me, and my incredible, cool, not bad, very good article titles have something to say

Novelist staring pensively at a typewriter while smoking a cigarette.
PHOTO: KoolShooters / Pexels

By: Totally-Not-the-Editor-in-Chief

On a bright Sunday afternoon, The Peak received this very strongly worded letter. In the words of George Orwell, or whatever: “Don’t be a hater.” We are sharing this letter as an example of what not to do, so don’t. Do not submit long headlines. Or we will hate you, forever. No, we’re not providing voices like these with a platform when we publish their letters. Whatever do you mean? Anyways, just read:

Dear The Peak, or whatever entities are controlled by you that are unknown to me, 

I don’t understand why you would limit my creative greatness by telling me my titles are too long. If your title doesn’t express the essence of your introduction paragraph, thesis, and life story as to why you are the person you are, is it even a title? Will your readers even get you? For example, when I submitted the Opinions article to your editors titled the very appropriate, “Why I think busses should simply be able to fly above Gaglardi Road with the sheer power of student energy and how its inability to fly is causing me severe distress with my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome),” your editors told me that it was “TMI” for them. Also, I did not need to put brackets in my title. BUT, they don’t get it: my IBS is part of the story! That’s what I dislike most about essay guidelines, I think. I’m always told I need to be more specific and get to the root of what matters. But then, when I get more specific, I’m told, “This isn’t relevant to your essay,” and “You shouldn’t treat your readers as your therapists.” It’s absolutely mind-boggling stuff.

If my readers don’t know everything they need to know about me personally, how will they even know how to read? You know what I mean? No? Refer back to the title of this letter and its excellence — my excellence. If I don’t state absolutely everything that needs to be stated, I will never be known. And isn’t that heartbreaking? Aren’t I more important than your arbitrary guidelines about how I should change myself for your audience? Don’t answer that. 

So, anyway, to get to the main crux of the issue here, I think everyone should be more respectful of long-ass headlines. I have a lot to say, and I don’t think I should censor myself for your little rules. Or anyone’s little rules. I am beyond MLA, APA, and Chicago. Meanwhile, you probably have to look up Canadian Press guidelines for every word that stumbles you, like “manoeuvre.” How is that real spelling, anyway? Why don’t you focus on that issue instead of correcting me for being cool and creative?

Here’s what I’m thinking of for my next headline: The Peak needs to keep their business in trying to figure out ways to avoid being old news rather than worrying about my impeccable headlines.