By: Hana Hoffman, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I wore pink to my convocation as an homage to Barbie, Elle Woods, and Mean Girls (yes, it was on a Wednesday), and no one understood! How can I recover after discovering that I am surrounded by uncultured folks? This Barbie is really weighed down by all of this. How did they not notice how “fetch” my hot pink heels were? “What? Like it’s hard?”

Sincerely, 
Vision in Pink 

Dear Vision in Pink,

I want to start by saying I truly admire your respect towards pink legends. Pinkalicious and P!nk are my idols! Honestly, I think everyone at the convocation was intimidated by your swag, so they kept quiet. Plus, you just GRADUATED! In other words, you said goodbye to every person in the institution, so why feel embarrassed in front of a bunch of people you’ll never see again?

#2Cool4School,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

I actually don’t need advice. I just wanted to give you some: mind. your own. business. Why do you feel like you can tell us all what to do? You won’t even reveal your real name. Is it because deep down, you know that “you know nothing, Jon Snow?” Your relevancy in this paper has peaked, Peakie.

Sincerely, 
Maybe We Should Give YOU Guidance

Dear Maybe We Should Give YOU Guidance,

Unfortunately, I know who you are, and I don’t think sending hate in disguise is very professional: #hater. You weren’t offered the position as Peakie because we currently are not hiring (duh). I understand your frustration, but we do have other available jobs at SFU. Please let me know if you’re interested, and I’ll forward your resume to other hiring employers so they can LOL as well.

Consider applying for local newspaper delivery,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

I might have to break my lease because I can no longer live with my roommate. Last night, we were doing a puzzle together, and I found out they don’t do the border first. What next? Are they going to start eating their pizza crust-to-tip instead of tip-to-crust? I can’t live with someone like that. Is there anything in the Residential Tenancy Act that covers this?

Head-scratchingly, 
Absolutely Puzzled

Dear Absolutely Puzzled,

I’m sorry you have to go through this nightmare! I don’t know how your roommate survives school; I bet they write in their notebook from the bottom right to the top left of each page, starting from the middle of the book. From what I know about the Residential Tenancy Act, section 124.2 states that you may be considered for a post-emotional damage fund if your roommate regularly performs opposite actions, such as starting a puzzle from the middle and eating pizza from the crust first. I advise you to reach out and move out ASAP before your roommate starts pouring milk into your bowl before the cereal!

With urgency,
Peakie