By: Kelly Chia, Editor-in-Chief and Enemy of the Flies
I’m just an ordinary gal with an ordinary dream: to punch every fly I meet in the face. I admit this dream has no rhyme or reason, much like a fly’s existence. No, I am not being dramatic. Just imagine your perfect summer: delicious sunsets spent on boardwalks, lapping at cheap ice cream. Now imagine the fly: a creature that has made a career of providing the worst ASMR as it gets into your personal space, then headfirst into a pile of garbage. Absolutely horrifying.
No, I will not provide any scientific proof of this behaviour as that would force me to research flies. Really, the proof is in the proverbial and literal (garbage) pudding. So what’s a girl got to do about these absolutely ordinary feelings? Make a grand strategy to fistfight flies with every perturbing 30-degree day. I am detailing my exclusive plan to you. Now you, too, can fight the flies for the low, low price of the 2 minutes and 53 seconds Grammarly says it takes to read this:
The method of zoom
First, I had to train to become faster than the speed of sound. I had a hypothesis on how to achieve this with my frail mortal body. I considered the tiny fly, who evaded my swats like a bumbling, graceless butterfly. I envisioned myself as its superior alpha and began humming. In these moments, I imagined myself as a butterfly or a moth to assert my dominance. Then, I extended my arms outward behind me and ran like I could catch every fly, ever. I was positive this shocked and dazzled every fly from even perceiving me and had defied the laws of physics. I’m just so legendary.
For maximum effect, I have found that attaching two portable radios to my hips for maximum bzzzzz really sells my alpha-fly persona. I couldn’t see any proof of this, but I knew I was so fast that I could collect rings in a dazzling cobalt-blue blur!
GOTTA GO FAST! TO BE BETTER THAN THE FLIES!
Know your enemy
If I dared to fight the flies, I had to know their weakness. I had to, and I shudder to say this, become a fly. I was already buzzin’ around, so I just had to get into the mindset of an extraordinary fly. I returned to my 2014 Tumblr days — a harrowing experience — and visualized myself as a trash lover. It was difficult. Visions of the proverbial salt rife in ranked first-person shooter games filled my head as I meditated on what it was to be a hater, like a fly. To keep myself in character, I muttered, “garbage,” lowly to myself to really sink into the mind of the fly.
Ultimately, I did not find this method very effective. I am too emphatic to lower myself to being fly-like. Next one!
Communicating your feelings
Okay, say you want to try a more pacifist route. I envy you, as I do not share your patience or kindness, nor do the flies. Here are a few key phrases I have learned in the last few days of studying how to be the best fly-fighter™. Note that in my benevolence, they all include the word “please.”
Raising one hand to wave hello: Hello, please go away now.
Waving your hands in a fluid motion: Please enjoy my dance of hands as you go away.
Making a heart-shaped gesture over a garbage can outdoors: I love your home; please stay there.
Making a thumbs-down gesture over a garbage can indoors: I love my home; please go away.
Raising two fists, bouncing your feet*: I am pleased to engage in mortal combat at this time.
*This last phrase will usually cause the fly to flit around you and leave your presence, but may cause it to return to taunt you further, as they do.
As I write this insightful list for you, I wonder out loud if flies really deserve this much scrutiny and whether I would know peace if I just left them alone. I mean, they are just bugs inhabiting this planet like me, and it’s not their fault that they like garbage since we are making it — GET OUT OF MY EARS THIS INSTANCE, YOU HEATHEN!
