Espresso Martinis

Coffee and booze do not go together

an espresso martini with a coffee bean on top
PHOTO: YesMore Content / Unsplash

By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer

Espresso martinis combine the two worst flavours: alcohol and coffee. Made with espresso and vodka, I always perceived espresso martinis to be one of the most “adult” of the adult drinks. I’ve seen posh people order them in movies and I wanted to be posh too. I couldn’t wait to turn 19 and order one myself. Once I did, I regretted it instantly.

Espresso martinis are gross. How can it be that so many people love combining the taste of vodka (ew) and almost-warm espresso (double ew)? I’m a coffee lover, but only if it tastes nothing like coffee. Mochas, caramel macchiatos, double caramel iced coffees — they’re a million times better than plain espresso (and I’m Italian!). They make me happy when I drink them. Black coffee tastes like dirt water. Vodka tastes like nail polish remover. It makes me physically recoil. Why people would voluntarily put that taste combination in their bodies simultaneously is beyond me.

Espresso martini is also a contradiction: coffee is an upper, and vodka is a depressant. The initial stimulant effect of caffeine is not worth the rancid experience of the worst-tasting forms of coffee and alcohol combined into one drink.

I want to have some words with the person who accidentally spilled coffee in their martini and decided it tasted good, because that is a crime. Espresso martinis are an insult to all cocktails and should be outlawed.