By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer
Dear Peakie,
I have also been forced to answer questions of yore, from students young and old. I’ve even assigned myself a title: Peekie, as my aficionados call me. My most important question, one I think you should be very qualified to answer: what makes you the expert?
Peekie
Dear Peekie,
Firstly, I find it morally wrong and awfully offensive for you to steal my nickname. I understand it may only be a matter of spelling to you, but to me, it is a matter of reputation. I am the only true Peakie. I am the ultimate keeper of knowledge and give advice so valuable that Joy Johnson herself has asked me to sit in on her meetings and make executive decisions in her place. If you’re curious why tuition will be raised in the fall, it’s because I need the 10% increase to fund my personal Little Treat initiative. It’s where I use your tuition dollars to buy myself a Little Treat (read: iced caramel macchiato) once a day so that I don’t completely lose it before I even graduate.
Sneakily yours,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
My roommate won’t stop leaving our good quality knives in our sink! In this economy! I mean, the sink is not only gross, but it feels like I’m in the movie, Jaws, whenever I stick my arm in the sink. The problem is I loathe ALL forms of confrontation. How do I get them to see it my way?!
Walking on Knives
Dear Walking on Knives,
Your roommate needs a little bit of sense knocked into them, and you need to make a statement. I recommend leaving an Elf on the Shelf holding a mini knife around your place so that your roommate is reminded that they’re being watched every time they turn a corner. Say a lot without saying anything at all. Let Elfie speak for you; it’s creepy and sure to get the point across. If that doesn’t work (though I’m sure it will), set the TV to play Jaws repeatedly until your roommate gets so paranoid they swear off knives altogether.
Mischievously,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I experience fresh betrayal when I leave my home wearing a nice outfit only to discover that it is actually as bitterly cold as my heart outside. HOW do I stop being bamboozled by the nice sunshine outside?!
Not So Sunny
Dear Not So Sunny,
Ahhh yes, I know the feeling you describe. I experienced it only a few days ago. The trick, my dear reader, is layering. If it’s ten degrees in the city, it’s six degrees on Burnaby Mountain. And if it’s six degrees on Burnaby Mountain, it’s three degrees inside the AQ. Leave the house in crocs, jeans, and a light sweater, but bring a jacket and thick socks in case your toesies get cold. You may also require a blanket — I suggest investing in a Comfy so that you get warmth and style all in one. This does, in fact, mean you may have to ditch the hot girl tote bag and bring a backpack instead to store all of your extra layers. Don’t yell at me. You’ll survive.
With warm and cozy vibes,
Peakie
