By: Petra Chase, Arts & Culture Editor
Aries: The Stars say to hold off on cutting bangs. Hey, what are you doing with those dull scissors? Oh wait . . . the stars are picking up on a new frequency and you can totally cut your bangs tomorrow, but it’s 4:00 a.m., how about you sleep and see how you feel in the morning? And . . . there goes your hair. How am I not surprised, Aries? Well, at least it’s almost buzzcut season.
Taurus: Just because the sun is shining a little brighter, doesn’t mean you need to be wearing short sleeves and shorts. It’s freezing out, and your smug expression doesn’t hide the goosebumps on your skin. I know you want to win the who-has-the-thickest-skin “competition,” but, I promise; it isn’t you. Please, put on a jacket.
Gemini: The Stars suggest starting a club for your fellow air signs where each week, you read a wikiHow article and discuss how to apply it in your lives. Learn to shower with a lemon, apologize to a cat, and win a fight with a stick. I know you’ve been wanting to start a book club, and this is kinda like that, but better. Trust the universe.
Cancer: Stop calling them “silly little” mental health walks. Go on your walks and own it. Splurge on that daily $8 iced oat milk latte with pride. Sit under a cherry blossom tree and take serious, grandiose selfies. Cry your heart out while you listen to sad songs but make sure you end with a confidence booster. No one likes a tough cookie, but a cookie that’s got a tough exterior and soft inside is delicious.
Leo: Leo? Is that a Zodiac sign? I swear, I’ve never heard of a Leo. That’s embarrassing . . . for you.
Virgo: You’re living proof that Virgo’s Groove is a real phenomenon. People think you’re spring cleaning when it’s just a regular Tuesday. What’s the harm in that? Never change!
Libra: It’s a great time to start journaling and focusing on yourself. Write letters to those who have hurt you. You don’t have to send them out. Just speak your truth out into the universe. The Stars will handle the rest. You can call it poetic justice. And passive-aggressively share quotes about being the bigger person on your Instagram story.
Scorpio: Arguing with strangers in the comment section of celebrities’ Instagram accounts is not a healthy outlet for your anger and resentment. No matter how right you may be, mcfoggthedog69 will never concede. Go outside and smell flowers. Step into the ocean and feel the sand between your toes. Join a meditation or yoga club.
Sagittarius: Oh, hello, there, you. You look stunning. Oh, right, your horoscope. Sorry, you make me lose my train of thought. The Stars told me you’re single and ready to mingle. Not that I asked about that — it just came up in our conversation naturally. They say you’re ready to let a new person into your life. Spring is all about being open-minded. I don’t care if you’re looking for romance or friendship. You’re just so cool and I want to be in your life.
Capricorn: The Stars and I are avid members of the Facebook group, “A group where everyone hates corn” (this is actually where we met). Your name literally translates to baby corn, so it’s no surprise you have an obsession with the substance. And it’s no surprise we have a problem with that. The tentacle-y texture of not-yet-formed bulbs is simply disturbing. Whoever said “it’s got the juice” was very wrong because there’s nothing juicy or refreshing about corn. Come back and talk to us when you’ve changed your name and appetite.
Aquarius: Yours was the hardest to get a reading on, Aquarius. I was getting visions of you cliff diving, but they didn’t end very well. So, don’t do that. Anything but cliff diving. Perhaps try something new, like knitting, or being vulnerable and expressing your true feelings instead of bottling them up?
Pisces: Spring is all about letting go, and you need to let go of your dead plants — all twelve of them. Your window sill is a graveyard. Hold a funeral if that helps you process your loss, but please get rid of them. Psst. Fake plants are always an option!
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