By: Olivia Visser, Opinions Editor
BREAKING NEWS — In an attempt to disavow misinformation, Elon Musk clarified in a recent tweet today that “free speech is not absolute.”
The billionaire Tesla CEO, and now most recently, Twitter CEO, has entertained the internet this past week with what he described as “definitely a sound business decision.” Critics quickly jumped on the opportunity to mock Musk for acquiring a company losing $4 million in profit everyday.
As a proposed solution to impending bankruptcy, Musk made user verification accessible via paywall, ending Twitter’s policy of restricting the feature to public figures. Thousands of now-verified Elon Musk parody accounts arrived in swarms. Tweets shot out with phrases like: “Tax evasion is now legal on Twitter!” and “Government handouts should be reserved for those with power and influence, like me. Look at my tech startups and what they became with government grants. Free money . . . for some!”
Much to the billionaire’s displeasure, Twitter quickly became a cesspool of verified parody accounts. Parody accounts of Peppa Pig spoke of her long-held violent fantasies, and gaming companies instructed customers on how to fix their consoles by lighting them on fire. True blue anarchy. “Comedy is now legal on Twitter!” echoed the army of parody accounts. But Twitter being undesirable for advertisers was the least of Elon’s concerns. The CEO’s issue was with his own parody accounts.
“It’s become clear to me that free speech for all hurts my feelings,” Musk said in a surprisingly emotional official statement to The Peak. “People are saying I got all my money from my daddy, which is only partially true! I’ve been crying ever since I added that damn verification. Do you know how expensive these tears are!?”
As a proposed solution, Musk adjusted Twitter’s policy to include the following: “All Elon Musk parody accounts must CLEARLY STATE in the description that they are a PARODY account of the MOST HILARIOUS and best businessman ever. Any rule-breakers will be permanently removed from the platform.” In fine print reads: “and anyone who makes fun of him in any way, shape, or form, is subject to punitive measures.” Also, if they parody Musk in a mean-spirited way, Musk reserves the right to retract this policy. “Why isn’t anyone praising me for owning the libs epically?”
Unfortunately, Twitter’s future now lies in the hands of Elon Musk. As it stands, digital criticism seems to be the biggest hurdle affecting the free speech proponent. Only time will tell how he’ll handle his emotions over the upcoming weeks. Be sure to communicate your thoughts with doge memes, as it is rumoured that Musk only understands 2013 Reddit humour.