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The United Nations has some trouble putting out fires on their Security Council

Humour
Peak Web
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A fireign affair! ILLUSTRATION: Angela Shen / The Peak

By: Clarence Ndabahwerize, Staff Writer

NEW YORK —The Dag Hammarskjöld Library at the United Nations burnt to the ground after it caught fire. Extraordinarily, no one was hurt, but the loss was immense. While observers thought some kind of jurisdictional issue had prevented firefighters from getting to the scene, it turned out some diplomats had decided to negotiate with the fire. As it turns out, the fiery element was sentient after consuming much of the knowledge held within the confines of the library, finding it full of “moral loopholes.” Security council resolutions were heard loudly being chanted from the building, to the bemusement of evacuating bureaucrats.

Unfortunately, the spotlight wasn’t on the tragic loss of knowledge, but on how diplomats and firefighters alike were stunned into inaction by the fire. Everyone seemed concerned with the fire’s violence from afar, but made no attempts of stopping it in its path, even though this fire was literally in the United Nations’ jurisdiction.

“Why did someone think a sentient fire could be negotiated with?” asked one reporter on the scene. Another questioned why despite many of the organization’s failings with handling similar fires especially at the beginning of this year, they would continue to have jurisdiction in the face of extraordinary peril. According to an unnamed official who could not go on record, the fire had found a way to veto everything the diplomats threw at it. UN diplomats waltzed with the fire while it violated international humanitarian law. By the time all hope was lost, the measly fire extinguisher they tried on it had no chance and they had the audacity to be shocked!

In an exclusive interview with a major news network, the fire was bullish about its prospects given its appointed and incredibly uncontested position on the Security Council. “With my permanent seat, I can be sure that I’ll leave my scorch . . . um, mark on the world.” 

“To be honest, by the time I’m done, I expect to be the most tremendous fire of all time. I mean, nothing can stop me,” proclaimed the fire, while winking at the out-of-frame Secretary General. Spokespersons had no comments as to why the fire was still on the council given its destructive ambitions. Instead, they moved to release statements on social media declaring the UN’s condemnation while the fire quite literally burnt on. Onlookers watched in horror. “Can’t they do something?” The UN quipped that it was making calls for peace.

Intelligence agencies are reportedly watching the fire with great interest, and homeowners’ associations are making moves to keep it out of their neighbourhoods for obvious reasons. Since this fire seems to have a keen eye for high profile fire hazards, security has been beefed up at all liquor factories, and government agencies, because you know . . . paperwork. There’s no metaphor at all!

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society