By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer

Raccoon News was informed of a developing story at SFU’s Burnaby Mountain campus this afternoon. The authorities arrived at SFU after receiving calls about a former student and welcome leader who was found wandering the depths of the Robert C. Brown Hall (RCB). The welcome leader was reported missing in 1953 and is now the 114th person to be found and saved after getting lost in RCB Hall.

Robert C. Brown Hall, dubbed “The Maze” by SFU’s students over the years, has been under intense construction since 2009; layers of scaffolding and boarded up doors and windows create a dark and spooky labyrinth that students have repeatedly reported as “dank,” “unsafe,” and “impossible to navigate.” The student was found wearing a 1953 Welcome Day t-shirt with a blue SFU lanyard around their neck holding a homemade name tag. The student appears to not have aged in all the time they spent in RCB — we learned that the magic of the maze preserved their youth throughout all those years. The name is no longer legible after being exposed to the cold, damp environment of RCB for so many years, but the stickers the welcome leader put on the name tag are still fully in-tact.

Raccoon News is on location at SFU Burnaby today speaking with students who witnessed the lost welcome leader emerging from the depths of RCB Hall. Reginald Trashpanda III, the esteemed campus food critic, was at the scene where the missing welcome leader was found.

RACCOON NEWS: Reginald, thank you for speaking with us today. We have been told that you were the one who made the phone call to the police. What can you tell us about what you saw?

REGINALD: Firstly, it’s Sir Trashpanda to you. Reginald is what my friends call me. And yes, I did make the call. I was on my way to Renaissance Café for my afternoon coffee when I heard the cries. “HIVE Nine? HIVE Nine? I lost HIVE Nine. Can anyone help? I lost my HIVE.” They were loud enough that I could hear the cries through my Airpod Pros. It was distressing, really. I was in the middle of the most riveting murder-mystery podcast!

RACCOON NEWS: Thank you, Sir Trashpanda. That’s quite something. Can you tell us what it was like to watch as the welcome leader was rescued from Robert C. Brown Hall?

SIR TRASHPANDA: It was boring, and a waste of time. First they had to saw through wooden boards and scaffolding blocking the doors. Those boards have been there for decades and were covered in posters advertising various events. No one ever looks at those posters, yet student groups continue to put them up. SFU should really do something about that; perhaps some contemporary art instead of those ugly posters would make the space more inviting. Anyways, they sawed through the boards and alas, the cries of the welcome leader got louder. So the rescue team went inside. It took them 45 minutes to find the voice and carry the poor welcome leader out. I’ve obviously never stepped a paw inside, but it’s rumoured that the halls in there are so complex and entangled that they had to send a rescue crew in once every hour. I’m not surprised the welcome leader went missing there. It’s terribly dark and dungeonesque, and some of my raccoon colleagues refuse to even walk by the blocked-off doorways. The stench of mildew coming from inside is so strong!

RACCOON NEWS: Fascinating. Thank you, Sir Trashpanda.

Raccoon News remains at the scene to learn more about the lost welcome leader. This story continues to develop.