Mosquitoes? More like mosqui-foes!

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Illustration of a person in a karate gi fighting a stray mosquito
ILLUSTRATION: Nazmus Sakib / The Peak

By: Chloë Arneson, News Writer

  1. Hand-to-hand combat

    Instead of letting the mosquitos come to you, take the fight to them, Mr. Miyagi those suckers. Take a trip to your local gym or dojo so when mosquitoes see your muscles, they tremble in fear instead of drooling with hunger. Whether it’s karate, judo, or krav maga, this summer you’ll be prepared for the onslaught of attackers from every direction thanks to your new martial arts training. When those flying bad boys come, and they will, you will be able to bravely defend yourself and your loved ones from mildly inconveniencing itchiness.

  2. Elaborate disguise

    If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. This summer try taking up a few sewing classes to create your very own DIY mosquito costume. Grab your favourite snack and relax knowing those pesky bugs think you’re one of their own. You’ll be able to reuse this costume throughout the whole summer, making it easy and cost-effective.

    *Pro tip: don’t make your costume too realistic or else you might be attracting too much attention from mosquito hunks asking for your Snapchat. Consider adding an extra leg or a discoloured eye to make sure you don’t pull it off too well. 

  3. Get lit

    After some scholarly research, we have found that one of the easiest and safest ways to kill mosquitoes is by using what you already have — booze. Well, kind of. Apparently, these foul beasts are not as big fans of the juice as we humans are, and a plastic spray bottle full of 90% isopropyl alcohol will be able to kill mosquitoes with a refreshing fine mist. Just don’t drink the mixture as we can guarantee it will not taste very good. Instead, try sipping an ice-cold beer knowing you have a foolproof and simple way to get around one of the most annoying parts of the season.

  4. Call Batman

    When all feels lost, when you’re outnumbered 100,000 to one and the odds of you surviving this summer without your blood sucked out is slim, there’s only one man you can call. Batman. Small bat species can eat “at least ⅓ of their weight in insects a night,” according to Animal Food Planet. So if the masked vigilante is feeling particularly generous, or perhaps is also fed up with the relentless itching, maybe he can swing by and help you out with the summer swarm.

  5. Destabilize the state

    This one is a little complicated but will pay off in the long run. You will need some special supplies. If you have an inconsolable hatred of mosquitoes as I do, sometimes just smacking them off your arms is simply not enough.

    Here’s what you can do: gather a few mosquitoes and stick them in a makeshift laboratory. Domesticate your own sub-species of specialized insect spies that are loyal to only you.

    Take inspiration from the CIA if you must. By turning mosquitoes against mosquitoes, they will start to betray one another. Friends turn against each other and entire civilizations of pests will crumble at your feet. Rest easy knowing that you have freed yourself and generations of innocent campers to come from the terrors of blood-sucking foes.