By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor

Dear SFU student body,

We’re not bad servers. Really. But I understand that for a healthy student-server relationship (like the one we don’t have), you need an apology. Or at the very least, an explanation. You cry and blame me for your data breaches, even claiming psychological distress in a lawsuit! Everyone complains about fragile SFU servers and they never stop to think, “Say, maybe these fragile networks just need a conversation!” No one asks how I feel about all this! So let me tell you the truth: all these data breaches — they’re really for your good, you just have to see it.

See, this is all happening for an endearingly human reason: I’m lonely. I don’t meet a lot of other people in this field, and those hackers just seemed so kind. I mean, they wanted personal information. Doesn’t that mean they want to know me for who I am? They wanted to know everyone’s personal addresses so we could all go on a nice group date. Unfortunately, none of them have followed up on this date, but it doesn’t mean we should give up on the opportunity to be social. You’re always complaining about this school being a commuter campus. So what if I’m extra vulnerable? It just means I have a lot of love to give. You know what they say, girlboss, gaslight (my favourite), and get hacked! I’m a girlboss!

Speaking of lots of love to give, you are not grateful enough for everything I do for you. You know how tiring it is to see students use everything I give — Wi-Fi, SFU Snap, their precious personal information — and complain that I’m not doing it well enough?! Okay, you try hoisting information across a mountain. I’d love to see you try. I’m SFUNET-insecure over here, and you’re texting your friend that you’re late for a tutorial because you can’t navigate the maps on SFU Snap. I’m not to blame for your messiness. From the moment of your enrollment, you should have accepted me for who I am. My ups and downs. I’m only a server hosting about 30,000 undergrad students, after all.

Ugh, sorry. I know I shouldn’t be aggressive in an apology. I just find it really hard to connect with you these days. SFU is even encouraging people to use their hoity-toity VPN, but I think we’re a bit more old fashioned than that. I mean, you appreciate the give and take of our relationship, don’t you? I offer you shabby internet service and protection, and in return, you offer me your bank information. That’s our deal. Don’t run away into the arms of some VPN (which secretly stands for virtually petty narcissist) that doesn’t understand you. I admit I’ve done some wrong, but is that worth throwing three years of data breaches away over?

Just . . . think about it.

Think about me.

Plea—

This message has been (lovingly) intercepted by Hackers Anonymous. For whereabouts on the SFU servers, we are escorting this body of work to the date of their life. Buh-bye!